100 Crazy Thoughts You Have When You See Your Ex's New Girlfriend

by Jessica Wendroff

It always happens just when you're on the verge of forgetting about your ex completely.

You're sitting on your computer, thumbing through your news feed, just minding your own business, when a photo of your ex and "your replacement" pops up from a mutual friend's post.

You stare at the picture in shock.  You barely recognize your ex because love no longer blinds you to his flaws. You initially think, “Damn, what was I thinking? My babies would have been Quasimodo's cousins.”

Then you turn your head to the heifer. You definitely don't recognize her.

You know you shouldn't resent her. Why should you? You don't even know her. But this girl could be as divine and pure as Mother Teresa -- hell, she could BE Mother Teresa -- and your first thought would still be “… That WHORE!”

You ought to pity the poor girl for the rollercoaster ride to hell she is about to embark on. You should salute her, fire gunshots into the air and throw holy water on her, but no, this is not your first instinct.

Your first instinct is to hate her. Before you call up your girlfriends to make fun of her, you take out all of your leftover aggression from your ex on her in the privacy of your own mind.

As you scowl over the picture of the two of them, you think nasty, irrational thoughts to yourself, and chances are, they sound a little something like this:

1. This hooker.

2. I'm nauseous.

3. Good thing she's fugly af.

4. Her boobs are bigger than mine, though.

5. But she's fat, so they don't really count.

6. I win.

7. That's not nice, Jess. This isn't a competition.

8. It's not her fault. She doesn't know what she's getting herself into.

9. I hope she has money saved for therapy.

10. I wonder if they've f*cked.

11. Why would he give up Ariel to get it in with Ursula?

12. Oh well, let them f*ck and have ugly ass children so I can laugh and eat popcorn.

13. I'm so mean.

14. She's so unattractive though.

15. Thank god.

16. I wonder if she's even good in bed.

17. Bitch doesn't look flexible.

18. You can't go from Cirque du Soleil to the Ringling Bros.

19. I win, again.

20. That assh*le said he would never date a smoker. Bitch is a chimney with eyeliner.

21. A LOT of eyeliner.

22. So much for liking "natural girls."

23. Damn, he's such a hypocrite.

24. Wait, I already knew that. That's why he's an ex.

25. I hope she has enough makeup for his bitch-ass soul.

26. I'm a horrible person.

27. Ugh. Why her?

28. Well, if they break up, maybe we can be friends and make voodoo dolls of him together. That would be fun.

29. Or go to Party City and get piñatas made.

30. Haha, I'm so crazy... but she's still unattractive, so it's okay.

31. Another win.

32. Damn.

33. I'm going to hell.

34. I better start acting right. I don't want to bump into him down there.

35. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

36. Why?

37. I wonder if he'll be considerate with her and do the things he refused to do with me -- like be a decent human being or do anything remotely fun in bed.

38. Na. He's boring af.

39. Stay boring.

40. Stay over there with your hoes.

41. She looks like a man.

42. I can't get over it.

43. Pobrecita.

44. Maybe I was right. Maybe he really is gay.

45. Maybe she's just awesome.

46. Na, f*ck that.

47. I'm the one who's awesome. No contest there.

48. #Winning.

49. Damn, I feel bad. This girl is probably a sweetheart.

50. Run, bitch, run! (Cue Dave Chappelle's voice).

51. Hahaha, I'm so funny.

52. Sigh.

54. How the hell did he move on first?

55. He's a loser.

56. Why do I even care?

57. I shouldn't.

58. I thought I didn't.

59. But I still do.

60. Sometimes.

61. Maybe it's just my hormones.

62. Those bastards betray me on the reg.

63. Perhaps that's it.

64. Ugh, I need chocolate. And a shot.

65.(Raises shot glass) Let's have a toast for the douchebags.

66. Get into my bloodstream.

67. Get this assh*le out of my mind.

68. Ah, I love myself.

69. I'm a strong, independent woman.

70. No, I am a GODDESS among women.

71. F*ck him. And f*ck that hippopotamus replacement. And triple-f*ck their future deformed hippo children.

72. Jk, I'm sure they'll be awesome.

73. Plus, I loved Hungry Hungry Hippos as a kid.

74. I wish them no harm and beautiful features. They'll be wonderful…

75. Hear that karma?

76. I'm being nice.

77. Rebounds are so cool.

78. At least I dodged a bullet in the in-laws department. His mother was a lunatic.

79. And he was a selfish piece of work.

80. I'm a masterpiece.  I'm The Starry-Freaking-Night.

81. She's one of Picasso's abstract prostitutes.

82. I wonder how long she will last before she runs for the door?

83. Meh, who cares?

84. Hoe.

85. They deserve each other.

86. On to the next one.

87. Maybe my kids can have pretty eyes now and actually be good-looking.

89. I'm the devil.

90. Whateverrrrrrrrr.

91. I don't even care.

92. What a waste of time and dick.

93. Exes are what divorces were invented for anyway.

94. They won't last.

95. He'll come out of the closet in 10 years.

96. It's fine.

97. Okay, I'm done.

99. My eyes have bled enough.

100. Back to listening to Big Sean's "IDFWU."