So, there was this guy you kind of liked.
He was sweet, affectionate, decent-looking and made you feel like the center of the universe.
Chances are, you are not still dating this guy.
This is the guy you humor, entertain and drop like a bad habit.
He was fun for a little while, until some undeniable voice in the back of your head beckoned you to find someone better, cuter and cooler.
You ran so fast that you never looked back.
That is, until he found someone new.
You try like hell to be happy for him, but you just can't.
You find yourself jealous of another woman because she has something you didn't want anyway.
You don't know why.
But, let me shed some light on this envious knot in your stomach for you.
There is something to be said about being admired by someone you're not in love with.
It's the game of catch and release that you're addicted to.
It's exciting to be chased.
It's fulfilling to feel special when someone only has eyes for you.
The amount of attention you are receiving is intoxicating.
You literally get drunk off the admiration.
When you become so full of it, you start questioning what's wrong with this guy because he thinks you're so amazing.
You immediately become aware of your own flaws when you start doubting him.
What kind of guy wants to date someone as messed up as you?
In the process of diminishing your own value and his efforts, you begin to mentally deconstruct him as well.
All of a sudden, this adorable, dreamy guy transforms before your eyes.
His physique is suddenly too chubby or hairy.
His affectionate gestures make you feel suffocated.
When he kisses you, you just can't help but focus on his bad breath.
He seems less and less like the manly man you desire, and more like a repulsive replacement.
You try so hard to feel better about yourself, and you completely diminish this guy who did nothing more than see something worthy in you that you failed to recognize yourself.
I don't have a type per se, but I do know that any time I met a nice guy who liked me, but didn't challenge me in return, I almost immediately lost interest.
So, nice guys do end up finishing last.
But, it's also true that women who don't choose these nice guys end up regretting it, even if just briefly.
The problem isn't the nice guys or the bitchy girls, but the cycle that has always existed between the two.
It's like the ultimate question, "Which came first, the chicken or the egg?"
Which came first?
The sweet girl who was ruined by a jerk and then became a heartless bitch, or the jerk who was once a nice guy?
At some point, we all play the role of naive and infatuated, until we are ruined by another.
We become so bitter and jaded that we continue to sabotage our own chances at love.
The reason you miss that nice guy you never wanted is because you can't find happiness yourself.
You question whether the fact you let go of him means you'll end up alone forever.
You're jealous of him and his new girlfriend because you are so sick and tired of running and leaving heartbroken men in your trail.
Is it possible that a medium man exists?
Is there anyone who is genuine, loyal and sweet, but also man enough to make you face and conquer your obvious intimacy issues?
Furthermore, is it possible for someone with such severe intimacy issues to ever find true love?
I don't know.
But, I know the first step to any recovery is admitting you have a problem.
Here is my omission, and I hope I end up better for it.
I chase away great men for no reason other than I am damaged.
I regret it every time because I know if I just stopped listening to the devil on my shoulder and my own self-esteem issues, I might actually have a chance at happiness and real love.
However, I also think it all happened so I can learn from it.
I will experience growth through my newfound self-awareness and hope that some day, a guy who is strong enough will find me.