Too Soon: 95 Thoughts A Girl Has When Her Ex Gets Engaged On Facebook
There is no heartbreak out there that cuts quite as deep as the kind you endure when an ex gets engaged on Facebook.
It’s such an emotionally-charged experience.
Once you see that social media announcement, you suddenly realize it is really over between the two of you.
Sure, maybe you haven’t seen or spoken to each other in a few years, but that doesn’t mean you weren’t secretly hoping you were "the one who got away," and while you were off living your young and fabulous life, that poor schmuck was off somewhere crying tears into his Snoopy pillow, wishing you would come back to him.
When he gets engaged on Facebook, it’s like a door slamming in your face.
All of those irrational fantasies you had about him being a broken man because he lost you are abruptly incinerated.
He’s happy. He’s found someone. And that someone is not you.
What’s worst of all is that he won. He won the entire breakup. Everyone knows the one who gets engaged first is the one who gets that final punch.
It doesn’t even matter who did the breaking up in the first place because, at the end of the day, what really matters is he is getting married, and you are going to die alone surrounded by your 50 cats.
Here are 95 thoughts every girl has when her ex gets engaged on Facebook:
1. I need to get off Facebook.
2. Seriously, it’s been like two hours.
3. I have no life.
5. What f*ckery is this?
7. [Insert ex's name] is engaged.
9. This isn’t real.
10. Wait. Is it?
11. Let me just click through every single picture of his from the last two years.
12. I didn’t even know he was dating anyone.
13. Who is this c*nt?
14. This isn’t real.
15. Holy sh*t.
16. It’s real.
17. Omg. He’s engaged.
18. He’s f*cking getting married.
19. He’s getting married, and I’m f*cking single.
20. He won.
21. He won the goddamn breakup.
22. He is looking really hot these days, too.
23. Has he been working out?
24. He had a borderline dad bod when we dated.
25. He’s literally getting married.
26. We just broke up.
27. Like three years ago.
28. How is he over me?
29. Should I just kill myself now?
30. Is it obvious if I deactivate my Facebook that this is the reason?
31. This is clearly about me.
32. He misses me.
33. Why didn’t anyone warn me about this?
34. My friends are horrible people.
35. I need to call my BFF immediately and have her come over.
36. ...With wine.
37. Why is he so lame that he has to put this on Facebook?
38. Is this directed at me?
39. It’s so directed at me.
40. He just wants me to message him.
41. He’s probably waiting for his inbox notification.
42. Or a text.
43. It’s sad that he’s settling and getting married right now.
44. They’re going to have a child before I even have a boyfriend.
45. This girl probably isn’t even real.
46. She isn’t pretty.
47. Like her body is good, but her face isn’t.
48. They’re going to be divorced in two seconds.
49. I’m going to make sure their marriage is over in two seconds.
50. Will I be invited to the wedding?
51. If I were invited, would it be a pity invite?
52. Is it too late to secure my invite to the wedding I’m not invited to?
53. I’m going to wear the sluttiest outfit to this wedding.
54. I don’t even have a plus one.
55. Does he know my cousins?
56. I could bring my cousin.
57. I should pull a Debora Messing and hire a date.
58. I’m going on a cleanse until the wedding
59. Can I object?
60. Does he want me to object?
61. Should I drunk dial him and say congratulations?
62. She’s going to be barefoot and pregnant in two seconds, and I’ll be barefoot and dancing on the bar.
63. What am I talking about?
64. We haven’t spoken since we broke up.
65. I can’t believe he took the dog.
66. Ugh. I miss the dog.
67. He drunk messaged me two years ago.
68. He probably still thinks about me.
69. I’ll always be the one who got away.
70. Who even gets married anymore?
71. It’s just a stupid piece of paper.
72. A stupid piece of paper I want more than anything.
73. I bet she’s pregnant.
74. Why else would he marry this stupid bitch?
75. But her tits are going to get huge.
76. But the breastfeeding will ruin them.
77. And her nipples.
78. Is that covered by insurance?
79. At least she’ll get to have kids.
80. Because my ex-boyfriend wants to have kids with her.
81. And not me.
82. Wow. I am going to be single forever.
83. Do I have any Girl Scout cookies left?
84. I am going to need a lot of Thin Mints.
85. What’s wrong with me?
86. Why am I not the one getting married?
87. Do I have an invisible "DON’T DATE ME" sign stapled to my forehead?
88. I’m never going to find love.
89. I’m going to be doomed to live with 10,000 cats.
90. F*ck it.
91. I’m better off being single anyway.
92. My life is amazing.
93. My career is amazing.
94. I don’t even care about this at all.
95. Oh! I think my delivery is here!