I had a bit of a twisted first-love experience. We hear first loves just about always end badly, but mine started badly as well. How badly you ask? Well, to begin with, I chased after her for just over a year. Yes, chased... there is really no other way of describing it.
I fell in love, but as fortune would have it, she did not. Unfortunately for her, I don’t give up easily.
I can be stubborn and am unlikely to admit defeat – especially not when I was feeling, for the first time in my life, like I found the person I was meant to find.
After the most emotionally eventful year of my life, I had worn her resistance down. My persistence showed her I cared about her in a way other men have not.
The problem was, after making her fall in love with me, after getting her to open up, to trust me, to love me, I wasn’t able to love her back.
I thought I had loved her – and looking back, I most certainly did – but I was not capable of making her feel loved. I wasn’t capable of seeing past the first and most shallow of layers love allows for – the overwhelming waves of emotion.
I was young. I was dumb, inexperienced and naive. I thought love was simple. I thought it was pure. I thought it was perfection. After a decade or so, I realized I wasn’t even close to the mark.
I loved a woman with all my soul and was too weak to admit it to myself. It took me a year to make her fall in love with me, and as soon as she did, I refused to love her back.
Piece of sh*t comes to mind, but let’s stick with “weak.”
Only a weak man can make a woman love him, and then mess it all up.
It’s not easy to make a woman fall in love with you when she’s doing just about everything in her power not to fall in love with you.
A woman – like a man – can fall in love in an instance, if she so wants to. But if you have to make her fall in love with you, then you most certainly are putting in an extraordinary effort.
It’s true, people are mostly more attracted to what they can’t have – men to the woman who refuses to let him in. It takes dedication.
Conviction. F*ck, it takes nothing short of obsession to chase a woman relentlessly, to get back up no matter how many times you fail.
What does it take for a man to let all that effort, all those memories, all that passion go to waste? Weakness.
Only a weak man can make a woman love him and convince himself he doesn’t love her anymore.
The human mind is incredibly complex. So complex that – with all the advancements in science – we still do not understand it fully.
Truth be told, few are even capable of understanding and manipulating the reality our minds allow for.
Being in love is nothing more than a reality you choose to see, to be a part of, to adapt as your own. That’s it.
Of course, saying “that’s it” makes it seem simple – just as the brain seems like nothing more than a lump of grey matter.
This is the reason so many of us “fall out of love.” We overlook the complexity and try to oversimplify, never fully understanding what it means to love someone.
If you are in love – truly in love – you can choose to stay in love, to stay a part of that reality.
If you know just about all there is to know about a person and still love him or her, then you are and forever can be in love.
But you most likely won’t. You’re too weak to hold your reality together, to keep your mind from warping the beautiful reality you’ve created for yourself.
Only a weak man can make a woman love him, and then break her heart.
In order for love to form, you need trust. Without it, it’s impossible to love – not the way we ought to. We ought to love her in a way that makes hurting her impossible.
We ought to love in a way that makes lying to her, cheating on her, abusing her, breaking her heart a contradiction.
To love is to waver in that soft spot between being the person you have always been and the better entity you know you could become.
You start to lose sight of where you end and she begins. You fear for her safety, for her happiness, for her more than you fear for yourself.
The problem with breaking the heart of the woman you love is, without realizing it, you’re breaking your own.
The problem is she can run and stay away from you, but you can’t run away from yourself.
Only a weak man can make a woman love him, truly love him, and then abandon her.
When you love a woman, you’re committing yourself to her. I understand that’s not the way it feels, but that’s only because you’re too egocentric to realize it.
It’s not something to be ashamed of, but it is something you need to learn to grow out of.
You will never be happy if you are forever alone, and you will be forever alone if you don’t learn to love another the way you love yourself.
How’s that? To never give up on yourself. To never allow life to defeat you. To allow your own insecurities and weaknesses to overcome you and decide the course of your life.
To love a woman is to never, ever abandon her. Abandon the woman you love more than life itself, and you will lose yourself. I can promise you that.
Only a weak man can create the opportunity of a lifetime and let it slip out of his grasp.
You’ve managed to make her love you. It’s only a quarter of the battle, but congratulations; now the hard part begins.
You’ve created a hell of an opportunity for yourself. You have the opportunity to have someone by your side, to walk the long and often treacherous road ahead of you, with you. You’ve managed to do what many could not.
The only question that remains is whether or not you’re strong enough to hold on to that opportunity, to refuse other people – to avoid screwing it all up.
Most would say I was incredibly lucky for finding her at such a young age. Well… it sure as hell doesn’t feel like it.