20th Television

Ways To Cut Your Horrible First Date Short

You swiped right on Rick a couple days ago, and the two of you immediately engaged in some pretty mediocre banter.

After a few standard, "Hi, you're cute," "Where are you from," "haha cool" type messages were exchanged, good ol' Rick finally asked you out for drinks after work on Friday.

Normally, you wouldn't go. But you're in the thick of a particularly tundra-esque dry spell, and his pictures look pretty hot. And, I mean, it's not like the conversation is horrible — maybe he's just more fun in person. So you decide to go for it.

You get there five minutes late, but still wind up having to wait 15 minutes for Rick to arrive. No, he didn't text you to let you know he'd be running late. And no, he didn't apologize for being late upon his arrival.

Finally, the waitress seats you (after Rick made her switch the table 57 times). Rick doesn't ask you what you want to drink. He just orders something disgusting and rambles on about his job and his friends, the party he was at last Tuesday and other things he believes are making him sound cool.

You hate Rick. You need to leave. Like, now.

But how do you get out of here without being a total asshole? Yes, Rick is the worst, but you don't want to stoop to his level of rudeness.

Don't worry, I've got you covered with 15 sure-fire excuses to get you out of the worst first date ever:

1. Start coughing disgustingly.

Muster up the phlegmiest, most disgusting cough you possibly can and DON'T STOP COUGHING.

Then just start waving your hands frantically and walking out of the restaurant as if to say, "I'm so sorry! I don't know what's going on! I can't stop coughing! I need to leave!"

But obviously you couldn't actually say those things because you were so busy coughing!

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2. Text a code word to your best friend and make her call you.

You can't text her saying you need her to call you... what if Rick pulls a classic annoying Rick and looks over at your phone?!

So, instead, you come up with a code word. It could be anything! "Lettuce." "Babies." "Fuji apples."

She'll get the text and start calling nonstop until you answer. Maybe even let the phone ring a couple of times before you answer, so you can look down and be like, "Oh my gosh, Rick, I'm so sorry. I have two missed calls from my best friend... I should call her back."

Then, obviously, it will be an emergency and you'll have to go.

3. Text a code word to your mom and make her call you.

Only thing more legit than an emergency call from your BFF? An emergency call from mom.

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4. If someone calls, no matter what they say, pretend it's an emergency.

If you have not established any code words with anyone, just pray to the Lord someone calls.

If/when they do, respond to whatever they're saying with frantic urgency (i.e. "No way! I'm soooooo sorry. I'll be right there.").

5. Fart and/or burp at the table.

Make some sort of disgusting bodily noise, and use it as your excuse to run out.

On the one hand, you just gave him physical proof that you're actually sick. On the other hand, you were so gross, you've successfully avoided the chance of any sort of call back.

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6. If you can cry on command, burst into tears and say you "just can't do this."

Then run out of the restaurant.

It's up to him to decide why you're so emotionally fragile right now.

7. Find out what political party he likes, and start shitting on it.

But don't have any well-founded arguments. Just start saying dumb, ignorant shit until he gets so annoyed, he leaves.

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8. Get the waitress involved.

If Rick's a TOTAL creepazoid, don't be afraid to get the waiter or waitress involved. Tell them you're on a date with a total freak, and you need to get out of it ASAP.

They can come ask if you're ready for the check, and before Rick says no, you say you're ready for it right now.

Then throw some cash on the bill and run out of there as fast as you can.

AS FAST AS YOU CAN.

9. Run to the bathroom, and spend at LEAST five minutes on the toilet.

It doesn't matter if you don't actually have to go.

Play Candy Crush (TBT, I know). Stalk your ex on Facebook. File your nails. Call your Dad. Bring a book if you have to. The point is to spend enough time there that it's plausible that you were, in fact, shitting your brains out.

Then when you come back to the table and tell Rick you're so sorry but you're not feeling well at all, he'll have no problem believing you need to leave immediately.

If he continues to insist you stay, you pull out the big guns and tell him you were shitting your brains out and would rather not shit yourself at the table.

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10. Fake falling asleep at the table.

This is kind of rude, so I don't recommend it.

But if you're willing to really get down and dirty, just start "dozing off" at the table.

Then tell him you had a really late night last night, and you're so sorry, but you just feel like you need to go home because you're not totally yourself right now.

11. Start rambling about your ex (whether or not he exists).

Have an ex? Great. Doesn't matter if you're over him or not. Time to FILL RICK IN.

Tell him everything: your sex life, the moment you knew you loved him, the breakup, how heartbroken you still are, how you're actually probably going to end up at his place again later tonight (if you're feeling particularly cruel).

Then you should eventually apologize for rambling on about him, and say the fact that you did that made you realize you're not ready to date and you should just go home.

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12. Check your phone, and FREAK out when you realize how late it is.

Casually pull your phone out of your purse. When you press the home button to check the time, LOSE YOUR MIND.

If you need some inspiration, I got you: "IT'S 7:45 ALREADY? OH MY GOSH. I NEED TO GO. I'M SO SORRY, RICK. I DIDN'T REALIZE HOW LATE IT WAS. UGH. SORRY, I'M THE WORST."

Make up literally anywhere you need to be, and legit run out.

13. If you're REALLY committed, order something you know you're allergic to and roll with it.

Pull a Hitch! (Minus the falling in love in the end part.)

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14. Say you totally forgot about a party you have to get to.

All of the sudden, stop him mid-conversation to ask him to remind you what the date it is.

When he tells you, be like, "Oh, no! I thought today was (not that date)! It's my friend's housewarming pot luck! I was supposed to bring the guacamole! Shoot, I have to go! I'm so sorry, Rick."

Boom. Outta there.

15. Tell him you're not feeling it, and leave.

Probably the best option.

As much as Rick sucks, he deserves to know. So just tell him you're not into it, and you're really sorry, but you have to go.

Throw him some cash for your nasty drink that you didn't even order, and head out of there with your head held high.