Everything I Want To Say To The Guy I Ghosted Who Didn't Deserve It
By now we all know what it means to be ghosted -- and we've all experienced it.
Whether it was a girl who said she'd call but never did, or something shittier like a boyfriend who disappeared with no explanation... being ghosted sucks.
I'm not going to lie, I've ghosted many dudes in my life. Guys I have no recollection of who texted me after a night out. Guys who have tried to take it a little too far after a coffee date. (You know who you are.) Guys I've messaged on Tinder, only to decide they weren't worth meeting in person.
But then there are the ones you get a little more invested in. It's the worst type of ghosting you can do, and it's exactly what I did.
To give you a little background info on what an asshole I am, I met this guy online in the least creepy way possible: on Facebook, through mutual real life friends.
He was cute, had a good job and wasn't a dick. We even graduated from the same college. The catch was that he lived on the opposite side of the country.
Somehow a random Facebook message blossomed into an actual long-distance friendship. I know, right? Shit like that never happens.
I trusted him with some of my darkest secrets, ones I keep hidden from even my closest friends. And I knew his. Why not? He was on the other side of the country after all.
I knew we would eventually meet. When you have a group of friends that party like ours do, you're bound to cross paths at some point.
Fast forward an entire year, and he booked a flight to visit me. HOLY SHIT. Yeah, that's what I was thinking.
I know we had been friends for an entire year, but I wasn't ready for it. And so I ghosted him. He never came, and I never really said I was sorry.
This may be a long overdue apology, or just a selfish act to relieve my own guilty conscience, but if he were listening/reading, this is what I would say:
I know this is clichéd, but it really was me, not you. I liked our dynamic and I was afraid to lose it.
I liked our dynamic and I was afraid to lose it.
You were an awesome friend, and with my busy schedule, it didn't really matter that you were (as we liked to joke) 10,000 miles away. You were someone I could tell my fucked-up stories to because I knew you had done things just as terrible.
Sure, a long-distance, mostly internet friendship probably isn't ideal, but it worked. It felt good. It was low maintenance.
What if we met and things weren't the same? With my level of awkwardness, I was bound to fuck something up. And then I would not only have to obsess over how I managed to screw up yet another thing in my life, but I wouldn't have you to make me feel better about it.
Whether or not we wanted it to, things would be different after meeting.
What if feelings developed? I wasn't ready to miss you or to want something we both knew wasn't going to work right now. My own insecurities made me push you away.
My own insecurities made me push you away.
And we both know, when I'm feeling insecure, I like to disappear. I was (and still am) in a transitional phase of my life, and have no idea where the next few years will take me.
I really do believe people come into your life for a reason, and if they're meant to be there, they will find a way back to you. Whatever happens, happens and when the timing is right, maybe we can try this again one day.
To everyone else out there who's ever been ghosted, you may never get an apology like this one. But I want you to know that sometimes the person doing the ghosting is hurting just as much as you are.
They just don't know how to handle it and they do something stupid. Like disappear.
You never really know what someone else is going through. It's not necessarily that there is something wrong with you, you just caught them at a bad time.
And it sucks for both of you.