What Each Type Of Valentine's Day Post On Social Media Means
Ah, Valentine's Day: another day of the year where we over-evaluate our self-worth and willingness to love.
I have pretty mixed feelings about Valentine's Day. While it pressures my boyfriend to show me how much he loves me, it does pressure me to brag about it on social media, which will only result in severe judgment from my friends.
So instead of doing it yourself, sit back while everyone is posting their gross, couple pics for Valentine's Day validation and judge the shit out of them with this guide to decoding every type of V-Day post there is:
The Dozen Red Roses Post
Aw, I'm so sorry. What did this man do to you?
Every rose you get (and subsequently post a picture of online) is an expensive sorry from your man for getting someone else's number at the club.
Did he also get you a Kay Jewelers heart necklace and a box of cheap chocolates? Did your boyfriend literally just Google "what to buy bae for V-Day?" I have so many questions.
The Single Girl Status Post
We get it; you're single. And while we know you're trying to come off as a strong, independent woman, this type of post says the opposite.
It's one thing to celebrate your independence, but it's obvious when someone is trying to call attention to their availability.
Want to do that in a nonchalant way? Post a Valentine's Day picture celebrating with someone you love, like a friend, family member or pet. That will really get people into your DMs.
The Taken Guy Toast Post
The longwinded, digital, public ode to your woman has us all wondering if she held you at gunpoint to do this.
Why couldn't this have been said in person? You say your girlfriend is "the most caring, beautiful, talented woman in the world," but no one was questioning that in the first place.
And also, unless you're Barack Obama, that's probably not true.
The Terrifying Teddy Bear Post
Any posts featuring this obnoxious, juvenile and impractical present are super awkward. Where are you going to put this oversized bear holding a heart after the holiday?
And honestly, if someone gives you a bear, check its eye for a hidden camera. Nothing says, "I want to see you naked, but I don't know how to go about it" more than getting someone a teddy bear for Valentine's Day.
The Sultry Selfie Post
This one is the most cringe-worthy of posts. Almost always, the person taking the selfie looks desperately happy, and the other person looks painfully surprised.
It goes without saying the person taking the selfie is going to be the one to post the pic, along with a caption that essentially says, "Hey, look! We're still together, and we're soooo happy. We're really, really happy together."
The Home-Cooked Meal Post
This type of post only makes me think, "If this is exemplary for you, what are you feeding yourself most days?"
Congratulations, you guys made a meal — keep at it. Seriously, as a human, you need to keep at it to survive.
Don't clutter up your friends' Facebook feeds with food. No one cares what you're feeding your ass, so stop talking out of it.
The Handmade Card Post
This is the most romantic, thoughtful way to say you're poor. And honestly, I'd actually prefer to see this over anything else.
Rule of thumb when posting a handmade card: If it's not good enough for his mom's fridge, it's not good enough to be on my Facebook feed.
Off The Grid
Excuse me, what? There is a couple who didn't post anything on Valentine's Day? Are they really together? Are they taking a break? Are they the happiest couple of them all?
You'll never know, and the best part is, it's none of your business.
Gen Why is back for Season 9 to make you second guess your relationship with social media.