Howl

What I Want To Say To The Guy Who Will Never Stop Loving Me

By

We all have that one guy who's been there the whole time.

The one guy we've decided to kick to the side and only hang out with when we're feeling lonely because the guy we really like isn't texting us back. And even though you treat him like shit and despite his best efforts to get you to like him, he never budges.

He's always been yours. From the moment you met him, you've held a special place in his heart. And you always will, no matter what you do.

Maybe you wrote him off because the timing wasn't right and you weren't ready for something real. Maybe, if you had just met him three years later after having grown up a little bit, the two of you wouldn't have missed each other.

Or maybe, it wasn't about you at all, and it was always only about him. Maybe he was a few inches too short, a foot too tall or stretched out certain vowels in a supremely annoying way when he didn't need to.

Whatever it may have been, he just didn't do it for you. And you always kind of hated yourself for it.

I have that guy. He's probably reading this right now because he's always listened to what I've had to say, even if it was just gibberish. And he doesn't stick around just because he hopes one day he'll get me in the sack (of course, that's a teeny, tiny part of his motive). Rather, he's just a good guy with a big heart. And he doesn't mind catching me when I fall.

I have some things to say to this guy: You weren't the one for me. You spent years trying to convince me otherwise, but you just weren't. You could've flown through the galaxy and brought me back a star, and I still wouldn't have fallen in love with you.

Now, you may not know it, but I've spent nights lying wide awake wondering what the hell is wrong with me that I couldn't just like you back. I felt inherently wrong for not be able to. Ticking off all the boxes on my checklist, you were cute and kind and passionate about your work, and I kicked myself over and over again. Hell, even when you finally found a girlfriend, I missed you.

I wished I could like you back. I look at other couples feeding each other over dinner tables in public and wiping crumbs off the corners of each other's mouths. Those couples look like good friends, and I envy them for having something I could have with you, if I just gave you a real chance.

You and I were good friends, too. But for whatever reason, I just couldn't bring myself to like you. I've tried to like you, but I shouldn't have had to try at all. Still, it hurt to see my efforts go to waste. It hurt not to feel something, anything, for you when I so badly wanted to feel.

But I was always drawn to the dark side, for some reasons known to me, but for others unbeknownst. And despite wanting to break free from the bad habits that have kept me from good guys like you, I haven't had much luck just yet.

In my loneliest times, those men weren't there for me, but you were without fail. You were always quick to answer my texts, eager to fix something of mine that was broken and always ready to call me beautiful when I felt like the ugliest girl in the world.

You have no idea how much I needed you in those lonely moments. You have no idea how lonely I can get.

It hurt not to feel something, anything, for you when I so badly wanted to feel.

I haven't thanked you for being in my life. It'd have been weird to do that because, well, I didn't want to come off as patronizing. But I know you were there for me. Not because you were hoping I'd eventually like you back if you stationed yourself there long enough, but because it was just in your nature to keep an eye on me. That's just who you are.

So, I'm saying thank you now.

Thank you for loving me unconditionally. Thank you for being there for me, even during those moments in which I hated myself.

Thank you for giving me advice on the guy who always beat you out, but shouldn't have; for holding me when I wouldn't sleep with you, but just really needed to be held; for putting my worries at bay and reminding me they weren't really worth worrying about at all.

Thank you for not resenting me for looking you over, and for loving me for who I am on the inside, not just for what I look like on the outside.

Thank you for giving and giving to me (even though I took more from you than I gave), and for showing me that, even in the thick of all the bad guys in the world, there are still good guys in the world.

Thank you for complimenting me, even when I didn't deserve to be complimented. Thank you for not taking advantage of me when I was too drunk to remember where I was, and for believing in me when I thought I was a piece of worthless shit with a naïve dream.

And finally, thank you for teaching me that I am worthy of being loved, just the way I am.

I wish I could have loved you back, but love is a motherfucker.