Sky's The Limit: 10 Things You Realize When You Date A Tall Girl
They say good things comes in small packages, but at over 6 feet tall, I'd insist on disputing that.
We tall ladies have navigated through a special sort of high school nickname hell to become the kickass goddesses we are today.
And it takes a special sort of man to date a woman who can't fit on a regular-sized mattress (but hey, at least you know it'll be king beds all the way).
So, if you're ever lucky enough to date a tall girl, here are a few of the more awkward truths you might come to learn:
1. Kissing is about to get uncomfortable
Most women might like a tall man, but when you're easily a candidate for the NBA in heels, sometimes you're going to end up dating with a serious height difference. Take it from the lady who once had her beau step on a small wall in order to seal the deal, kissing can get kuh-razy.
So, when you pick your statuesque date up at her front door, maybe you should switch places so you're at the doorway and she's three steps down on the street. Trust me; missing her lips and "accidentally" motor-boating her boobs might be your idea of fun, but it certainly isn't ours.
Let's save the smooching for sitting down.
2. Transport is torturous
You do the right thing and pick your date up in your car. Thanks, buddy, but I hope that car's a limo. At the very least, I hope it's a spacious Range Rover.
We tall ladies are approximately 70 percent leg, so fitting us into a teeny weeny car is like squeezing a great dane into a hamster ball.
If you've ever fancied seeing a live action game of flesh Tetris, watch your 6-footer date squeeze into the back of a taxi in heels and a mini skirt.
It's not graceful, it's not ladylike and there's a 93 percent chance you might get a full view of some underwear. Do the right thing, and don't mention the fact she's wearing Spanx, okay?
3. You're now one half of a public annoyance
At the movies, at a gig, at an art gallery or any conceivable public event where people want to see things, tall women are their nemesis. And you're with one of us.
Get ready to hear the passive-aggressive bird song of tuts, moans, whispered grievances and sighs as we make our way through a melange of social situations populated by shorties.
4. I'll wear heels if I want to
I might be taller than your dad, but I'm still a woman, goddammit. I want to force my feet into entirely impractical and not-altogether comfortable footwear just like any other woman.
Whether that makes me an inch taller than you or a whole foot (I like ridiculous shoes), you're going to have to learn to deal with that. Nothing screams "insecure" (and consequently "unsexy") than a man who can't deal with his glamazon partner wearing her cha-cha heels.
5. Did I mention tall women are super clumsy?
Yeah, about those high heels...
Good luck picking your lady off the floor when she inevitably goes flying through the air, with all the grace of a cannonball made of poop. Tall women's centers of gravity are way higher than your average lady.
That means a hell of a lot of slips, trips and stumbles. Take it from the girl who's had a concussion more times than she's had Korean food (and I love Korean food); you're going to spend a fair amount of time scraping your tall female date off the floor.
Again, this might lead to some more underwear flashing. Please see point two, and don't mention the Spanx (again).
6. People will stare
Even when we manage to walk upright on two legs like a normal person (instead of sprawled out on the pavement like you'll soon become accustomed to), people are still going to stare at us.
We need you to process that and handle it like a mature and sensible gentleman, not some testosterone-inflamed, jelly psycho.
You might think people are staring because I'm a regulation hottie, but the stares are because, in heels, I am literally taller than Michael Jordan.
I'm still hot, though.
7. You're never going to sweep us off our feet
Not literally, anyway. All these extra inches make extra pounds, buddy, and your date probably weighs the same as you. There's nothing wrong with that, and no woman's femininity should be tied to a number on the scale.
But unless you lift, bro, you probably won't be picking up this 6-footer. Don't worry; every tall girl has perfected the sexy backwards bedroom walk, so no one needs to risk putting his back out.
8. Sex is going to get weird
You've made it past the awkwardness of kissing, the inconvenience of the date itself and the public humiliation of falling over in the street, so let's take this freak show to the bedroom.
And it will have to be the bedroom. (If you're thinking of getting freaky in the bath or shower, then I'm sorry to disappoint. Unless someone volunteers to lose a limb, it's not going to happen.)
No bath has ever been made big enough for a tall woman to have sex in, and shower sex requires a level of flexibility that would make a Russian gymnast cry.
Also, if you fancy doing it like they do on the Discovery Channel, you better have a couple of yoga blocks to rest your knees on. A height difference means your good lady getting super low, and I gave up flexibility for cake.
9. Bedtime is about to get real
Feet protruding from the end of the bed? Check. Big spoon-little spoon confusion? Check. (Although, for the record, we tall women make excellent spoons, big or little.)
Learning to live with a mere fragment of mattress? Double, triple, total knockout check.
Grazing the ceiling at almost 6'2", I've learned that I like my beds like I like my handbags: huge, sturdy and expensive.
Sleeping over at your house in a bed built for pixies might be fun once in a while, but I guarantee neither you nor your date will be rushing to repeat the experience.
So, once it starts to get serious with your long-limbed lovely, how about you invest in that king-size divan you always fancied?
10. You have to get the balance right
We tall women have gone through a lot to be 100 percent proud and 100 percent confident in who we are and how we look. Of course, we want our lengthy curves and swerves to be attractive to you, and we mostly don't even mind if you want to call us your goddesses.
But we're not only our measurements, guys, and no one wants a date to feel like a fetish film audition.
So if you're into your lady's height more than her brain, maybe you need to have a strong word with yourself. We might be hella sexy goddesses, but we are people, too.