I got a message from a friend the other day that reads as follows: “I've upgraded my cooking skills from strictly Pop-Tarts and cereal to salad and microwaved hot dogs. I'd say I'm becoming quite the catch.”
Of course, first, I applauded her. Microwaved hot dogs are a huge step up for a girl who quite literally didn't know how to “cook” spaghetti. Insider tip: You boil water and heat up a jar of red sauce.
So, she can microwave mystery meat and chop lettuce? F*ck yes, Let's get the girl a crown. She'll be making grilled cheese in no time. Sh*t, she might even start broiling her hot dogs by next year.
But does that really mean she's becoming a catch?
Traditionally, when we think of a “catch” – at least when we're speaking about women – we picture a sort of Stepford Wife: a put together, well-mannered, cooking and cleaning robot person. Of course, it doesn't have to be that extreme, but the image of a perfect woman remains a caricature.
Since Barbie got a modern-day makeover – I know, I'm a little late – I think it's time our definition of a “catch” gets one, too.
1. A catch is independent.
Gone are the days when women looked to a man for financial security. Instead of looking for someone you can take care of, look for someone who can take care of her damn self (and who wants to).
In the long run, you need someone who has her own interests and passions. You need someone who doesn't reinvent herself for each and every man she dates. You need someone who feels comfortable traveling alone, and who isn't nagging you about going out without her.
You need someone who has enough confidence to not go through your phone, but who also has enough respect for herself to dump your ass if you're ever caught cheating. Get someone who challenges you to be better because she's constantly bettering herself. In layman's terms, date a boss bitch.
2. A catch maintains a certain level of privacy (especially on social media).
We all know a girl or 20 who posts pictures of “bae” a few days after meeting him. I literally know someone who put up a filtered snapshot of her and a dude on the first date. Like, the date was still happening when she sent it out. He was “bae” for all of two weeks.
Someone who is quick to overshare on social media is probably seeking validation. Now, I'm no psychologist. I post semi-frequently myself. But sharing your romantic relationship with the world before it even becomes a fully-fledged romantic relationship diminishes it.
Do you really want to let the whole world know about him before you even really know about him? Dude could turn out to have a micro penis or a foot fetish. He could even just be using you.
3. A catch is open sexually.
I know it's sort of against feminist code to take this stance, but f*ck it: I'm going for it. If you're not satisfying your man sexually, someone else will. But if your man isn't satisfying you sexually, someone else should. It's a two-way street.
The thought that women aren't as horny or as sexually curious as men are is prehistoric. We like to bone, too. A couple should enjoy their sex.
Ask what the other likes. Test limits. Introduce toys.
Explore, experiment and have fun. Sexual compatibility is just as important as intellectual and emotional compatibility.
4. A catch can hold her liquor.
No one wants to date a hot mess. Pounding shots, having makeup running down your eyes, slurring your words and trying to have “drunk deep” conversations with people hasn't been cute since freshman year of college.
Your boyfriend should never be your babysitter, and visa versa.
5. A catch has semi-normal friends.
In high school and in college, your boyfriend or girlfriend's friends automatically became your friends. Weekends were spent hanging in big groups. You planned group trips. It was a total family affair.
But after you graduate, you often don't meet your boo's friends until things get serious. That's kind of a problem because friends say a lot about a person.
If you've been dating a girl who claims to “not drink much,” but then you see her friends pounding tequila shots while dancing on a table and asking the bartender for cocaine, she's probably downplaying her party animal side. I'm not saying you shouldn't date a girl who loves tequila, dancing or recreational drugs. I'm just saying a person's core group tends to be a pretty honest reflection of that person.
Look for the woman who has had long-term friends and socializes with both sexes. Most importantly, find someone who doesn't constantly talk sh*t about her “besties.”
In 2016, my willingness to play house shouldn't matter. Luckily for my friend, her nonexistent ability to cook shouldn't matter either.