An Etiquette Guide For Bi-Curious Women Who Want To Pick Up Women

I'm all about the bisexuality, sweet baby.

A lot of girls who play exclusively on my team (team lez) are super snobby about bi girls. And I sort of get it.

A lesbian I once knew (me) had her heart smashed into a million little pieces when she dated a bisexual, who decided after three intense months of hot steamy sex and endless sweet nothings, she preferred boys. Hell hath no fury like a dyke left for a man. This is 18-year-old me after I was left for a man. I was a chain-smoking hot mess.

But you know what I've come to learn now that I'm a smug, international 30-year-old woman of the free world? Heartbreak is heartbreak is heartbreak is heartbreak.

I've had my heart broken by babes who left me for other babes and I've had my heart broken by women who realized they didn't love me anymore (dumb bitches) and I've had my heart broken by druggy girls who decided they preferred to snort cocaine with junkies rather than come to my family Christmas dinner. It all ends in in a proverbial punch in the gut and a steady flow of tears.

Then there are the bi-curious girls. We don't talk about bi-curious girls enough, but I personally think at least half the "straight" girls toting their designer backpacks around New York City are at least a little bit bi-curious. Trust me, I go out drinking with you perfectly flat-ironed, acrylic nail-wearing straight girls all the time.

You know how they have that saying about one martini not being enough and three being too many? I would say the reason three martinis are too many is strictly because it's that third drink that pulls out repressed bi-curiosity in "straight" women. Not that it's a bad thing, those hidden desires have to come out at some point and it might as well be after you've consumed a $17 martini.

Again I'm just not one of those elitist lesbians. I embrace and celebrate curiosity. It would be entirely hypocritical of me if I didn't. I'm just a curious creature. Why else would I have read my ex's diary in high school, opened up my parents' safe and gazed at the forbidden diamonds or stuck my pointer finger in an electric socket as a kid. It's the insatiable curiosity, baby.

OK, so you're bi-curious and you just want to experiment, but you don't want to be a total lesbian heartbreaking asshole from hell, right? If you do, well, your issues run a little bit deeper and you might to take a course in empathy, you tepid little sociopath.

However if you're a good, solid woman and you're bi-curious, you go ahead, girl. Here is an etiquette guide so you don't lead on all of us lesbians with your refreshing straight girl prowess that so many of us can't resist.

1. Don't pretend to be a lesbian on Tinder (or at the bar).

You want to take a dip in the girl pond? I don't blame you. Just don't go around pretending to be a lesbian, when you're clearly not.

First of all, we can sniff that shit out right away and it's way better to just own it, curious kitten! It's like me when I pretend to be sober when I'm actually wasted. I'm way less annoying when I own the fact that I'm shitfaced, rather than when I try to over-articulate my words and hope no one notices when I stumble into the steel wall.

I know it's embarrassing and you've probably heard that lesbians don't "want to be your experiment" so I get the impulse. It's like me thinking no one wants to be around a drunk. And yes, some don't to be an experiment or around a drunk, but some do. In fact, I know a handful of girls who totally get off on hooking up with bi-curious girls, it makes them feel powerful and sexy (don't get mad at me, lesbians, it's true for some).

The bi-curious girls that get a bad reputation are the ones who lead us on, tell us they're "gay" and make us fall in sweet, sweet love with them -- and then suck a dick 24 hours later. Sorry, that was graphic, but I don't know how else to drive the point home.

Point is: so long as you're honest about your intentions and your experience level, you've done nothing wrong.

2. Don't assume we're all into you.

I get it. You're a gorgeous straight girl and all the boys in the yard flock toward your milkshake and fall at your stiletto-adorned, red-pedicured feet. That's awesome and I'm happy for you.

However, just because you're super successful with men doesn't mean you'll be super successful with women. Females are drawn to very different things than men are and lesbians have a vast array of types as colorful as the rainbow flag herself.

Not every chick is our type. I once had a drunken crazy girl slobber all over me and than cry (actually sob) "BUT I'm PRETTY!" when I rejected her. She was pretty, but I'm not into that kind of pretty.

So check that ego and realize the girl-girl game is very different than the boy-girl game. The girl with long blonde hair might rule the straight roost, but the power-babe with the short edgy hair rules the homo roost.

3. Make the first move on Tinder and IRL.

When a girl is bi-curious, I feel like a wicked lesbian sexual predator if I make the first move. We've garnered some bad reputations this way in the past. This is why your boyfriend hates me. I don't want your boyfriend to hate me.

So ask me out first. Also I don't want to be viewed as some sort of straight girl corrupter -- that's all the religious right-wing conservatives need as ammunition against my people -- so you better believe if I WERE to make out with a bi-curious girl it would have to be her who went in for the kill.

4. Don't be too aggressive.

OK, so while I said you should make the first move, I don't mean be a crazy, aggressive, straight, wild animal. Don't aggressively message me something overtly sexual right away.

And if we meet, don't claw at me like a oily-faced 12-year-old boy who has never touched a girl before, though you're probably pretty similar to him because you're touching girl parts for the first time and you're excited.

But remember, lesbians are still women. We aren't men that enjoy being pawed at or aggressively sexted (right away). We need to be slowly seduced just like you.

5. You don't have to put "bi-curious" on your Tinder profile, but make sure you say that you're "looking for fun."

Yes, it will be harder to match when you say "looking for fun" because a lot of us are indeed "looking for love." However, it's bad karma to lie. Don't act like you're looking for a relationship with a woman when you're a bi-curious woman just looking to experiment with another woman.

I don't think it's necessary to put "bi-curious" in your bio (that will really blacklist you from matching with anyone, REAL TALK FROM Z), you can talk that over when you match, but be clear about your intentions. And have fun.

Message me if you have questions, because I'm like your virtual lesbian big sister who is here for all women, gay, straight, bi, bi-curious, drag, trans, whatever. So long as you're fabulously crazy and wonderfully curious and have a heart of GOLD, you're under my protective wing.