Scene: Interior. Your apartment. Night. You're scrolling through your Facebook feed again, looking for one name in particular. That name that's set your heart aflutter ever since the ice cream mixer freshman year.
So maybe it's been years since you hooked up. Maybe the last time you spoke, he called you by your roommate's name. Maybe he's recently acquired a new girlfriend who's, like, really, really pretty. You'll keep on carrying that torch for him because whoever said the path to true love was easy, am I right? Heh.
Sure, sometimes you feel like Tina from Bob's Burgers, mouth-breathing over Jimmy Jr.'s tush. But who said there was anything wrong with living for boys and butts?
Don't worry — liking someone who doesn't like you back is a universal experience. At one point or another, many, many people have been there before you, and I promise, it won't last forever.
When that day comes -- you know, the one when you realize you're over it -- you might even be able to look back on your obsessive thoughts, like these, and laugh:
1. I wonder what Noah's doing tonight.
2. If I hover my cursor over his name in my Facebook feed, I should be able to find out whether he's attending the gallery crawl...
3. Wait! No! Stop that! Close out! Close out!
4. Remember, self, he not only has a girlfriend, but he literally crossed the street the other day to avoid you.
5. No, I don't think you were imagining it.
6. I mean, maybe if I find a way to weasel into their relationship and become a close friend, then, in a few years, when they inevitably break up, I can be there to pick up the pieces.
7. Hm. What's his girlfriend's name again? Maybe I should friend her.
8. OK, who puts up that many vacation pics of you and your boyfriend unless you're pretending to be happy.
9. She looks like she hasn't ever had a zit in her life. Clean, clear, under control.
10. How am I back on Facebook already? Close. The. Tab.
11. Or maybe I'll send her a friend request really quick. There. Now, I'm done. I swear.
12. I'm going to force myself to think about something other than Noah and Noah's zit-less girlfriend. Like, what should I wear tonight?
13. No, not that dress. That's what I was wearing the last time I saw Noah.
14. Seriously? What is wrong with me?
15. Could it be that I'm using Noah as a stand-in for unaddressed psychological issues stemming from my parents' divorce when I was 6?
16. Or is it because he's really hot?
17. Yeah, it's because he's really hot. Like, I want to see his face on a baby.
18. I wonder if Noah ever thinks about when we were hooking up freshman year?
19. I wonder if he's told his girlfriend. What's her name? Naomi?
20. Noah and Naomi. That sounds nice together.
22. I bet he crossed the street because he did tell her about the time we hooked up, and she picked up on the lingering attraction between us. You can't hide from your feelings forever, Noah!
23. Seriously, you need to think about something else, self. Here. This dress is fine. Put it on. See, you look super cute! Who needs a boy?
24. I do wonder if he still has that mix CD I gave him. He told me how much he loves slide guitar, so I made sure there was a slide guitar on every track. With that kind of care and attention, he is definitely going to realize what he's missing.
25. Except I gave him that mix CD three months ago.
26. And I was pretty sure I saw him immediately put it in a trash can.
27. And then, he texted me saying, "I don't like you like that."
28. Sigh. I need to get over him. I'll just go on Tinder.
29. Ugh, why is everyone on Tinder a cheese face.
30. Like, this man is literally posing with 12 freshly killed ducks. Who does that?
31. I know who wouldn't do that...
32. Please don't think it. I don't think I can stand thinking his name again.
34. Wow, I didn't know it was possible to obsess over someone so much that you actually get bored of him. He doesn't even like you back!
35. I mean, seriously, I can't wait to skip to that part where I forget why I even thought he was attractive in the first place. Wouldn't it be great if the next time I saw him, he had grown a tail or something?
36. He'd probably be cute even with a tail.
37. I wonder if there's some kind of love spell I can cast that would make Noah fall in love with me. I'll just look one up on my phone really quick.
38. OK, this one says if I draw his name in the middle of a pentagram, light a black candle on the next new moon, and stay awake all night reciting this chapter from Genesis, then I'll be able to force Noah to fall in love with me.
39. How much do black candles cost anyway?
40. Huh. Less than 10 bucks. Probably a good investment.
41. Is forcing someone to fall in love with you against their will, like, cool, from a human rights standpoint? Or does that count as... oh, I don't know... emotional manipulation?
42. Yeah, probably not very cool of me.
43. Maybe if I hexed Naomi though...
44. Fine, I'm closing the browser again.
45. I know. To get my mind off Noah, I'll text that other guy. The one I met last weekend. What was his name again?
46. Robert? Robin? Terry?
47. I'm sure his number's in here somewhere. I'll just scroll through my phone.
48. Wow, did I really not save it? Maybe I still have that text he sent.
49. Oh, right. I deleted all of my texts when I thought Noah might not be texting me back because of "limited storage space."
50. Sorry, Robert/Robin/Terry, I should have remembered your name if I actually were going to like you back.
51. And maybe if I wanted a boyfriend, I would be more open to meeting people.
52. Yeah, come to think of it, I don't even remember what Noah was actually like when we hooked up. I just haven't really been interested in meeting anyone else.
53. Am I actually enjoying hanging out with me?
54. Hm. I guess when I think about it, I've been obsessing over Noah, who is basically a figment of my own imagination at this point. Maybe that means that the real person I've been obsessing over is, well... me.
55. Oh, wait, I just remembered something. Something way better than a boy. Something perfect, in fact.
56. There's ice cream in the freezer.
57. Yeah, I think I'm good not going out after all.