I still remember my first love like it was just three short years ago – oh, wait. It was.
Not only was it three short years ago, but I believe I am finally over him. I believe I can finally tell you what it was like, what thoughts I had while in my first serious relationship, what it was like to be in love for the first and last time.
Don't worry, I have loved since then. I just haven't been *in love*.
My ex-SO and I had been talking on and off for a year before we started discussing if anything more could happen between us -- if we wanted anything more to happen.
I remember how innocent I was: All I wanted was to continue talking to him if it didn't work out, and all I wanted was the perfect first kiss. I wanted it just as badly as he did, but I was too nervous for that.
But, I gave in to hanging out and double dates, going behind my parents' backs. I gave in to his second attempt to kiss me.
And, I gave in (after some considerable thought) when he raised the dating question.
And all I did was think over the next 15 months. Mind you, it wasn't over anything important, anything that truly mattered or anything mature, like thinking my actions through or putting myself in his shoes. No.
Maybe you can relate. Or, maybe you can't. Maybe you can read on to see if you thought about what I did or are currently thinking about what I did.
I thought about how he was my best friend AND my boyfriend, and how he hated that.
He thought I wanted a best friend not a boyfriend, but I knew I wanted both. I knew, or thought I knew, how great that was.
1. I thought about if I was truly happy.
2. I thought about how much I was scared of a future with him, unsure if I wanted it.
3. I thought about how unsure I was about the relationship.
4. I thought about how much more experience he had than I did, and how unfair it was.
5. I thought about not getting the chance to kiss another guy.
6. I thought about other guys, and how jealous I was when he texted other girls I thought were into him.
7. I thought about why he wouldn't let me peruse his phone or give me his Hulu password.
8. I thought about feeling stuck in the relationship.
9. I thought about wanting to make it past seven months – his longest relationship – or better yet, wanting to make it to a year.
10. I thought about how intimidating his sister made me feel and how futile it felt to get her on my side.
11. I thought about how much we argued.
12. I thought about our age difference and how it never felt like one.
13. I thought about whether I was attracted to him or not.
14. I thought about his smell, and how I longed to smell it on his sweatshirts forever.
15. I thought about how great it felt, lying on his arm, fingers laced together, in the car on the way back from the movies, and how I didn't want it to end, tears streaming down my cheeks.
16. I thought about how much I loved the way he sang songs like “Fine By Me” by Andy Grammer.
17. I thought about how I would know I loved him, wondering when that moment would be and when it was appropriate for it to be.
18. I thought about how emotionally attached I was.
19. I thought about how small he made me feel sometimes.
20. I never thought about how much I loved him, how in love I was with him until it was too late.
21. I thought about how I could never stop thinking. Ever.
I was thinking up until the end.
After all the thoughts, the inaction, I finally made a decision to end things. Then I thought about how choosing to end things scared me.
I was scared I would make the wrong decision, and I was scared I would never find anyone else.
After I ended things, I didn't think I could talk to him after that. And, I certainly didn't think he would move on two months later… on his birthday. Or, that it would take me three-plus years to finally move on.
I didn't think I could see my life without him, that I could actually be happy he has someone.
And I certainly never thought I would look back at the memories with him and smile because of how much I love them. I never thought I could want the best for him and, also, not want him back at all.
But maybe it's just me.