34 Thoughts You Have When Hooking Up With Someone Who's Too Hot For You

by Toni Kearney

Life is full of little surprises. Whether it's a great grade on an exam you thought you flunked or the waitress forgets to charge you for that extra breakfast sausage you ordered, it’s the little things that color life.

But the best surprise of all is when you surprise yourself. And, what better surprise than accomplishing something you never felt you could do?

Imagine hitting a home run, the ball flies over the fence, into the yard, and you’re sitting on base, smiling ear to ear.

Yes, I did just use a baseball metaphor to describe hooking up.

But, not just any hookup — I’m talking about the kind of hookup that happens when you surprise yourself; the kind of hookup that makes your ego hit a new high.

The kind of hookup that makes you think, “I’m skipping the gym this week because THIS body obtained THAT greatness and I am fine just the way I am!”

But, before the earth-shattering ego boost, you suffer through a different kind of sweet pain. Simply put, here are the 34 thoughts you have when you hook up with someone out of your league.

1. Did he or she really just ask me to go home? To go home, with him or her?!

2. Be cool. Don’t hesitate too much, but just enough.

3. OMG! We’re leaving the club. This is f*cked. Should I text my friends and brag right now? No, I’ll wait until I definitely get it in.

4. Damn, I am way too hungry to have sex. I hope he or she doesn’t want to have sex right away because I need a sandwich. But I WILL FAST FOR THIS PIECE OF ASS.

5. OKAY, CAB DRIVER! TAKE ME HOME! AND FAST! Because, what if the cab light comes on when the door opens and this beautiful human sees me clearly and realizes he or she can do much better?

6. Sh*t! An incoming call. I left my friends at the club and didn’t tell them I was going home… I’ll answer it so they don’t think I was murdered by gangsters.

7. Be cool. Don’t squeal. Don’t sweat. Make small talk. Hang up. Then, make some more small talk with sexy face.

8. Home at last. Jesus, Mary and Joseph, thank you for the bounty I am about to receive.

9. I’ll pay for the cab. It’s the least I can do. You seem desperate enough tonight.

10. Find keys. Must find keys. Must walk stairs and not fall down. Must not to act too drunk.


12. No… stop… must not make the first move.

13. Oh wait, how did he or she know I liked to be kissed there?

14. Yeah, great. That article of clothing is hard for even me to take off. Why is there no butter in the fridge? Oh yeah, I greased my thighs before I put these jeans on. But damn, they look good.

15. A hand fit down there? Really? Wow. I am amazed.


17. Sh*t, what if my room is a mess and he or she thinks I’m a dirt bag and then leaves?

18. Oh, okay. Maybe he or she didn’t notice the clothes on the floor, seven cans of Strongbow spattered across the room or the 23 candy bar wrappers from last night while I watched "Suits." It’s no big deal.

19. Why are the lights on?

20. Sorry, this cannot happen until I am in the dark. I promise, I look a lot better with the lights off. You’ll thank me later.

21. This is a dream, right?

22. This is real life.

23. I cannot wait to tell my friends.

24. Or to make myself a sandwich after this because I am FREAKING starving.

25. I love my life. Nothing can go wrong.

26. Just look at those eyes! DAMN. And that BODY! AND THOSE EYES! AND THAT BODY! EYES. BODY. EYES. BODY. ARMS. EYES. BODY.

27. Done.

28. Oh, God. I cannot wait for the day I tell my grandkids about this triumph in my life.

29. Wait! He or she wants to sleep here? In my bed? For the night? I CAN ALLOW THAT.

30. Sleep time. But how am I supposed to sleep with this PIECE OF ASS on the next pillow?

31. Actually, I’m pretty tired.

32. I can’t wait to never speak again after he or she sees how un-majestic I look in the morning.

33. You know what? Life is beautiful.

34. I’d like to give a shout out to my home dog Russell Brand for proving to all of us threes that we can f*ck 10s.

*Ego boost for eternity*