When they say, "women can change a man," they ain't lying.
I don't know, I guess it's a product of being overly-protective about a girl we care about but – whatever the reason – there's just something about the idea of having a girlfriend that can make a man act as paranoid as a stoned 2Pac in a crowded elevator.
Sometimes this skepticism is justified, say, when you find out your girlfriend has been cheating (or was a catfish the entire time. Hey, it happens).
And then again, sometimes it's not so justified – and is actually the result of regular ol' lunacy. But we're human, and as one of the most "flawed" species on this planet, we're entitled to these quick lapses of emotional and/or mental instability – so don't hold us TOO accountable for our at-times irrational behavior.
In fact, take it as a compliment, ladies; it probably means your boyfriend really likes you (insert cute picture of a pug or some sh*t).
I mean, think about it like this: If your man wasn't a bit paranoid from time to time, how would you know he really cares about you? Exactly. Now that leads me to my next point – the "smile while texting."
If you were ever wondering what the quickest, sure-shot, way to make your boyfriend as paranoid as an android is – yeah, that's a Radiohead reference – all you have to do is smile while you have your head down... texting someone else.
We men are usually pretty selfish creatures, especially regarding our particular woman. We want to ensure we're not only the best man in her life, but also the best person, the funniest person, the smartest person and pretty much any other positive adjective you could think of.
Why? Because we're human, and humans are insecure. It's not rocket science – but, if it were, best believe we'd be able to tackle it without a hitch.
Anyways, if any of you ladies do find yourself smiling at something on your phone screen when in the presence of your boyfriend – don't be surprised when you find out this is a cause of some concern.
As a matter of fact, I'll go one step further and try to provide you with a look into the mind of what your boyfriend may be thinking while it all goes down.
It's obviously super neurotic and might make you uncomfortable, but in a world where sweatpants are frowned upon in business situations, who's actually comfortable anyway?
Here are 50 thoughts that go through a guy's mind when his girlfriend is smiling while she's texting.
1. Sheesh, that’s like the seventh time she’s picked up her phone this meal.
2. I don’t get it. Is she playing a game of Words with Friends for her life savings?
3. Is she… checking her fantasy team?
4. I mean, she doesn’t like sports, but I guess it couldn’t hurt to ask.
5. “Whatcha doin’ on your phone so much, babe? You’ve barely touched your food.”
6. ...Which I’m paying for, may I add.
8. Oh, she’s texting??
9. Well, unless she’s texting Oprah, it could probably wait until after we eat lunch, no?
10. Christ, and AGAIN she picks up her phone.
11. That’s it; lunch is on her today – and I’m ordering the filet.
12. Yeah that is a little heavy for lunch – or brunch, really – and my stomach has been a little... off.
13. Then I’m ordering eggs Benedict – and maybe a dessert, too.
14. Wait, she’s smiling now.
15. Is there something in my teeth?
16. Why the f*ck is she smiling?
17. Who’s making her smile?
18. As her boyfriend, I thought I was the only person allowed to make her smile.
19. And what could possibly be so smile-worthy over text?
20. Everyone knows that the only texts that elicit ear-to-ear smiles are...
21. ...Oh, sh*t.
22. It’s a nude.
23. It’s got to be.
24. Should I snatch the phone?
25. Eh, if it’s not a dick pic, I’ll look waaaay too paranoid.
26. And, if it is male genitalia, I’m pretty sure I’ll vomit all over this table.
27. Then we’ll see who’s smiling.
28. She’s mad sketchy.
29. Always punching away at that f*cking iPhone, texting and uploading #TBTs on Instagram from two weeks ago.
30. What could she be reading?
31. Her tweets are never funny either, so I know she can’t be smiling about Twitter.
32. And I know she’s not on Snapchat because if she were, she’d assuredly be making a duck face instead.
33. Maybe one of her friends sent a funny text.
34. I’ll guarantee it’s that ex of hers.
35. No, not that one.
36. Yeah, that one, the “comedian.”
37. Dude’s a f*cking joke, literally.
38. HA, I should be the f*cking comedian.
39. I really should.
40. Because apparently I’m knocking ‘em dead tonight, folks. I mean, my girlfriend’s been in stitches for the past three minutes.
41. The only issue is I haven’t done anything to warrant laughter.
42. BUT HER PHONE DID.
43. Or whomever it is she’s texting, that is.
44. Hmm, these waiters are carrying big metal trays – maybe I can catch the reflection of her screen on one of them, like a makeshift mirror of sorts.
45. You’re a regular ol’ MacGyver, Dan, you know that?
46. I’m just going to ask her whom she’s texting, I don’t care how neurotic she thinks I am. We’re adults – we’re in a relationship – and communication is necessary.
47. Actually, f*ck that. I trust her.
48. Look at yourself, Dan. You’re all worked up over nothing.
49. Ha, you know, I got a good girl on my hands. I shouldn’t be so quick to condemn.
50. Wow, did she really have the nerve to ask what I’m smiling at?!?!?!?