53 Thoughts A Guy Has When All Of His Friends Are Getting Engaged

by Dan Scotti

For most of us, our 20s mark a period of change. Rapid change.

One second you're in college -- chilling in the back of some lecture hall, hardly paying any attention at all -- and the next, you're knee deep in the "real world," working a desk job and making small talk with Kathy from HR by the water cooler.

There's really nothing you can do about it.

It's all part of "growing up," and -- whether you like it or not -- you'll be forced to keep up or risk getting left behind.

Although, this doesn't make it any easier to accept the fact that you're growing old -- and watching all of your friends grow old with you doesn't always help either.

Especially when you're a little behind the curve, so to speak. For instance, when all your friends are getting married -- and you can barely get an attractive woman to entertain a few minutes of decent conversation with you at the bar -- it can definitely leave you scratching your head.

And it's not so much that you wish you, too, were getting married -- it's really more that you'd just rather not be the only one who isn't married that tends to get to you.

You can't help but be a little afraid that you'll keep putting off marriage, and the next thing you know, you're 35 with no one to date but hoarders and crazy cat ladies.

You feel like the last of the Mohicans, except your tribe doesn't consist of any Native Americans -- it's simply your independence.

Yes, we've all been there. Log on to Facebook for an early morning stalk only to be greeted by a notification of sheer bliss: "We're engaged."

Though you may be happy for your friend, and slightly relieved to know he found somebody to put up with him, there are a few things that go through your mind:

1. Oh, f*ck.

2. We lost another one.

3. To her?

4. Well, at least he's happy.

5. I mean, as long as he's happy, nothing else matters.

6. He's the one who's going to have to sleep with her -- and only her -- for the rest of his life.

7. I'll tell you what, though, those are going to be some interesting looking children.

8. F*ck.

9. Come on, Dan, you sound bitter.

10. You know what? Good for them.

11. They found love; that's a beautiful thing.

12. Little fast, though, huh?

13. Seems a bit fast.

14. Eight months?

15. They haven't even been through the entire calendar year together yet.

16. How could you possibly be willing to tie the knot -- for the rest of eternity -- when you haven't even waged through an entire calendar year, yet?

17. Sounds like a rush job to me, but who am I to judge?

18. Whatever, bro, you want to kiss your freedom goodbye -- go right ahead.

19. Yeah, enjoy “brunch” on football Sundays.

20. ...And dinner with the in-laws on Saturday nights.

21. See you at your kid's bar mitzvah.

22. Pshhhh, I'll be shocked if this relationship makes it all the way to childbirth.

23. I'm setting the over/under on this marriage to, like, two years.

24. And I'm taking the under.

25. Sheesh, that sounded cynical.

26. I'm doing it again; why am I so bitter?

27. I'm working myself up over nothing.


29. I definitely might be his best man, after all.

30. HA. Who am I kidding?

31. Definitely not going to be his best man; I haven't spoken to him since college.

32. Maybe I'll give him a call, and, you know, congratulate him.

33. I really don't want to have to speak to his fiancée though.

34. I wouldn't have any idea what to say to her.

35. She should've seen this kid in college.

36. He couldn't commit to going to class on a regular basis.

37. I used to buy milk that lasted longer than the majority of his relationships.

38. ...But here he is, getting married before me.

39. Probably should just wait for him to call and tell me.

40. Come to think of it, maybe I'll just like the Facebook status.

41. I mean 400 likes, though?

42. Hmph, they're a regular ol' power couple, eh?

43. *Shakes head* That's absurd. I'm not liking that sh*t.

44. What's the point of “liking” something online if it's just going to get lost in the hundreds of other Internet-based empty gestures.

45. Every f*cking time I log on to Facebook, someone new is getting married.

46. Eh, I should probably like it; it would be petty not to.

47. Also don't want to risk him un-inviting me from the wedding, out of spite.

48. *Clicks like*

49. That wedding is like the only social function I have lined up for months.

50. I need to get out more -- and start meeting some REAL women.

51. I'm not going to find any future wives on Tinder.

52. They did meet on Tinder, didn't they?

53. Yeah, I thought so.