Having a girlfriend, and being in a relationship, provides many perks. You know, things like cuddling on a cold winter night, sipping hot chocolate, watching a mediocre dramedy off HBO On-Demand. Or having a picnic together, on the beach, in the summer.
As great as these things sound, there are obstacles that must be hurdled beforehand. Prior to becoming each other’s “better half,” you’ll first be required to explore the depths of each other's lives. Her passions? You’ll have to know them – and pursue them.
The things that tick her off, you’ll have to know them, too – and avoid those things.
Her friends will now, suddenly, become your friends – and her family? Well, you’ll have to meet them. And that ain’t always easy. In fact, it’s almost always really f*cking hard – especially when considering that you’ll be expected to “connect” with the man whose daughter you’re IN THE MIDST OF BEDDING.
It’s honestly rather traumatic. Anyone who’s ever had a girlfriend can attest to that. If not, and you’re still anxious to find a girlfriend this time of year – you should probably familiarize yourself with the process of meeting her dad, first.
That whole ordeal tends to sneak up on you. And when it does – you’ll probably be thinking something like this.
41. I’m not worried at all.
40. As long as he likes sports, he’s going to love me.
39. Give me like 15 minutes in a room with a dad and a Knicks game.
38. He’ll want to adopt me.
37. All right, I’m ready for this.
36. Remember: firm grip, eye contact – and only ring the doorbell ONCE.
35. Is it rude to ring the doorbell these days? Maybe I’ll just text her and tell her to get the door.
34. Or should I knock?
33. F*ck that, I’m ringing the f*cking doorbell. It’s October 22, and I can see my breath when I breathe.
32. Okay, here he comes. I better start practicing my intro.
31. Hi, I’m Dan. Hi, I’m Dan. Hi... I’m Daniel?
30. Hi, I’m Dan.
29. He just called me Dennis, didn’t he?
28. I legitimately JUST told him my name was Dan.
27. Is he trying to flex on me?
26. Wow, I see you “pops.”
25. This dude DOES know I’m sleeping with his daughter, though... right?
24. Whatever, I’m past that. Time to focus on making a good impression.
23. Let’s see, let’s see... I’m going to ask him what he thinks of the Knicks this year.
22. Ahh, “not much”? Yeah, me either.
21. Oh, “not much” as in “you don’t follow the Knicks at all.”
20. Well, I’m f*cked then.
19. What in God’s name am I going to talk to this guy about, literally all I know is sports.
18. Stock markets?
17. I saw "Wolf of Wall Street" like seven times in theaters – it’s probably pretty true to life.
16. Eh, nah, too risky.
15. It could backfire, and I don’t want to sound ignorant.
14. Maybe I’ll just compliment his wife.
13. That came out wrong.
12. In all fairness, I should probably keep his wife out of this...
11. ...Even though I was only going to compliment her blouse, I swear.
10. He just asked me if I went to college...
9. ...And then acted pleasantly surprised when I said yes.
8. Sheesh, who was her last boyfriend – James Franco’s character in "Freaks and Geeks"?
7. I hope not, that kid was a lot cooler than I’ll ever be.
6. At least he could talk about sh*t outside of solely sports and sporting news.
5. I wonder how much her dad hates me by now.
4. I haven’t said a word in the past 30 minutes, I’ve just been nodding.
3. Over the course of our conversation, I’m pretty sure he asked me if I was uncomfortable, too – and I nodded yes to that, as well, inadvertently.
2. In retrospect, I really wasn’t lying.
1. I mean, I'm definitely not comfortable.
Photo Courtesy: DreamWorks/Meet the Parents