When You Have A Crush On A Girl, Here's What You Think
When you've spent the majority of your life platonically in love with your girl friends, sometimes, it's hard to remember that your lady crush can be your actual girlfriend. Because you're gay, and she might just be, too.
The downside to spending most of your life platonically in love with your girl friends? Sometimes, it's hard to tell just how to initiate that first conversation. You know, the one that ends up in a date.
So if you're anything like me, and it's hard to tell the difference between liking somebody romantically and liking them as a friend, then here are the 51 thoughts that go through you're head when you've just figured out you have a crush on a girl -- and not just as a friend!
1. That pretty barista is working again. She looks like a gorgeous alien queen.
2. I bet my ex-boyfriend would sleep with her.
3. Why do I think about my ex every time I see her?
4. He doesn't even live here. He lives in Cleveland.
5. Remember that time you thought he sleeping with that cheerleader?
6. ...but you actually wanted to sleep with her?
7. Oooooohh. Riiiiight. I think the pretty barista is like... really pretty, but sometimes, when I have a crush on a girl, I think that only men are allowed to date her.
8. Does this mean I'm gay?
9. Yes, of course you're gay you dummy, remember?
10. Oh, no, she's coming back with my Americano, and I want us to bone.
11. I mean... scissor.
12. Do something! Smile!
13. Whew, I smiled, and she smiled back. She's probably completely gay for me.
14. Just kidding, she's probably screwing my ex-boyfriend.
15. Just kidding. Again.
16. OK, this is good. I'm carrying my coffee to the table like a completely normal human-person, and I'm going to drink it and leave without anyone knowing about my baby queer crush.
17. Oh God, she came out from behind the counter, and now, she's running after me. Why?
18. Is there an emergency? Should I run, too?
19. Dang it! I started to run, and I dropped my coffee all over the floor, and the coffee cup broke.
20. Noooooooo, she was just coming to give me my change, and now, there is coffee everywhere, and she has to clean it up.
21. I caused a big gay commotion, and now, everybody in here is looking at me with faces like the side-eye frowning emoji.
22. She's coming back with a cloth. I should do something gallant. Like, I should help clean it up.
23. I'm just standing here with coffee on my shoes, and my palms are sweaty, and my knees are weak, and arms are heavy, and I'm going to go full "Lose Yourself" if I don't do something soon.
24. OK, I cleared my throat. That's good. I will say some words now.
25. "Do you like your job?"
26. Is that... really what you wanted to say?
27. Oh, wow, she smiled. Maybe she didn't understand?
28. No, don't say it again, dummy. Take some napkins and help her clean up.
29. She says I can't help her clean up.
30. Maybe I should insist?
31. Nope, apparently, it's the store's policy. Hm. OK. I will just go sit then.
32. Wait, now I am sitting at a table without any coffee, and I'm just taking up space what am I doing.
33. Oh, no, she's coming back.
34. She's going to tell me I have to leave.
35. She brought me another coffee.
36. Quick! Say something!
37. "You're really pretty."
38. OK, good try, but you kinda sounded like John Wayne Gacy Jr., and now, you're leering. Stop it. Stop.
39. Aw, she's blushing, and she looks soooo cute.
40. "Sorry for dropping the coffee. I was just really nervous because I've got a tiny crush on you."
41. Yessssss, you are sharing your feelings!
42. Oh, no, she's taking something out of her apron pocket. Is it a taser?
43. Please don't throw up.
44. It's her number! She's saying she gets off work at 6!
45. "Wanna go get coffee?"
46. No, you idiot, she is a barista. She doesn't want to get coffee.
47. "I mean... dinner?"
48. Nailed it.
49. She's nodding. She's walking away. Oh my God. Way to go, me. I nailed it.
50. I am the lady's... lady.
51. Wow, bad joke. Good thing nobody can hear me.