It's Not Me, It's You: 13 Things A Woman Does After Really Sh*tty Sex

by Lauren Martin

I recently passed upon a tweet, or a quote, that said (maybe more eloquently), "women like to cuddle after sex because they're unsatisfied. They still crave that sexual energy and need to be touched."

I definitely butchered that, but the gist of the cuddle matter is: It's your fault women like to cuddle, not ours.

I understand that getting a woman off can be a feat easier said than done. However, we've walked on the moon, landed on a comet and created an in-home movie-streaming service for our computers. So, why is this taking so long?

Why is our sexual science lacking so much insight and funding? When will people understand that women are sexual beings and can't be left to just cuddle their libidos away?

Another point to remember here is just because we're trying to cuddle with you doesn't mean we're in love with you. Just because a woman is snuggling up next to you, trying to touch you and lie with you doesn't mean she's happy with you.

She's horny, unfulfilled and just wants some love. You already got what you needed from her, but she didn't get anything from you. Her cuddling is a sign that something else is wrong.

Cuddling is not something women should be condemned for, but rather men. Because it's the man who isn't doing his job. If we got off every time we had sex, we'd be kicking you out the same way you want to get rid of us sometimes.

If we got off, we wouldn't need to feel your arms around us or the weight of your body on top of us any longer. We keep you around because we're hoping something will happen later, that we'll get a second chance. Or rather, you'll get a second chance to prove yourself.

But if we're really going to explore the real reasons behind women's cuddling habits, there are a few more we should explore. Because cuddling isn't the only thing women do when they can't get off.

A plight most women face on their either full or empty sex schedule, we all have those little idiosyncrasies and "weird habits" we can't help but do in front of you when we just can't sleep, or would rather have you leave so we can finish ourselves off.

1. Sigh a lot

We have a tendency to lie there, unable to sleep, moaning in the darkness.

Those faint sighs you hear, the heaviness of our breath leaving our nose or those twitches of our fingers against the mattress, those are called the unfinished jitters.

2. Try to talk

We're not trying to talk because we want to know about the childhood of the man we just slept with. We're talking because we're bored and not the least bit tired.

We figure we may as well make you answer annoying questions and listen to inane stories of our last boyfriend for something to do.

3. Kick the guy out

"You know, I have to get up really early and I feel bad about waking you up, so I think it's best if you go now," is the polite way of getting you out without bringing up our period, herpes or past relationships.

4. Start swiping right

We, too, can have casual sex. And if you think for one second that just because you've left we aren't looking for more, you're wrong.

Just the way you guys might be swiping at the end of your next failed dinner date, we have the same protocol.

5. Finish it herself

We know you'd like to stay and watch, but why would we reward you for that inadequate performance? We will lie and tell you we had a great night, now it's time for you to leave.

Then we will relish in our own company, forgetting what we needed you for to begin with.

6. "Uh, I think I'm getting my period..."

She either has it or isn't getting it until at least tomorrow, but there's no way she's just getting it right that second.

She knows, however, it's the fastest way to get you to leave without her having to do any more bullsh*tting.

7. Roommate emergency

The emergency is that her friend is going to have to come over and watch sh*tty TV and eat crappy food.

8. Say "I love you"

Yes, these words, these four little words that hold so much weight are usually thrown out around the time she's running out of strength. She knows that if she throws that out, whether he's in love with her or not, he's going for round number two.

Because whether he's obsessed with her, or trying to find a way to ignore her, the go-to move is to try and make her scream.

9. Get up and go sleep in the living room

She wants to have privacy, space and to be with someone who can actually get her off. If that means sleeping on the love seat outside, so be it.

And don't worry, her roommates are going to know about your inadequacies whether they see her sleeping out there or not.

10. Tell the guy that her boyfriend is going to be home in 15 minutes

Nothing like the old-boyfriend fake-out to get them out the door and into a freaked out spiral for the next hour.

11. Take a 40-minute shower

What do you think they created jets for?

12. Invite a friend over

When she invited her best friend to come over, it's not for a threesome. That's your clue to get out and try harder next time.

13. Watch any Shonda Rhimes show

Wait, "Grey's Anatomy" isn't on Pay-per-view? But they're doctors... having sex... on operating tables....