Though it isn't an official “job,” being somebody's boyfriend is definitely work. The same goes for being somebody's girlfriend, of course. But as a man, I can't speak to that side of things.
The duties every good boyfriend performs reads almost as a resume. But, as with most jobs, there are some lackluster duties that are omitted from the job description. Relationships are no different.
As somebody who's been single for many years (by choice, I should add), I've just recently been introduced to these duties. So, on behalf of all men who've applied to the job of “boyfriend,” here are 10 duties that were left off the job description.
1. Accompanying you to Sephora.
This place is hell. It's a damn circus. Everytime I go in that store with my girlfriend, I instantly lose her amongst the frenzy of women. Thankfully, I know she's vegan, meaning she'll be close to the Kat Von D section so I usually just head over there until she makes her way to the dark lipsticks.
How do I know Kat Von D's location in the store? Well, here's a story for you. It's because I bought her a contouring palette for her graduation present earlier this year. Knowing I was clueless in the store, an employee approached and upsold me instantly, asking if I'd like the brush to go with it. Assuming the item was about 20 bucks, I obliged. Little did I know, the brush cost just as much as the palette and I had spent twice as much as I initially intended.
Don't let this same thing happen to you, guys!
2. Being a personal purse holder.
For an immature man, this can be embarrassing. And since every man has been immature at some point of his life, there's a good chance he's going to have felt mighty embarrassed for carrying your purse around in public.
It's demoralizing to a young man. These days, I'll parade around with her purse under my arm no problem, but it certainly wasn't always that way.
3. Manufacturing excuses for tardiness.
In terms of getting ready for an event, there is a massive discrepancy in how long it takes a man to get ready compared to how long it takes a woman to get ready. In turn, while you're getting ready, a guy may indulge in a few beers (or maybe that's just me). Depending on how long you take, this could result in too many beers and, as a result, you get mad (again, is this true? Or just me?).
Regardless though, you always emerge from your closet looking absolutely gorgeous, which neutralizes whatever frustration we had towards how long it took you to get ready. As a result, we manufacture an excuse as to why we were so late without admitting the truth. I tend to go with traffic.
4. Personal styling.
When shopping for clothes, a girlfriend will always ask her man's opinion on a garment she considers purchasing. Which is understandable, we are your boyfriend after all. The caveat, however, is that we know you're going to go with the item you prefer regardless.
If my girlfriend is at all representative of women in this regard, the item she goes with is probably very similar or identical to every other item in her closet. Am I right?
5. Personal masseuse.
Men have thick hands that are ideal for massages. As such, you're going to request them. I mean, we'll ask for massages as well, but chances are you'll say your hands hurt before our backs are sufficiently tender.
Though I've been accused of massaging too hard at times, I usually just rub her back with drugstore moisturizer, hoping this deed will perhaps lead to something sexual.
6. Sharing a mutual hate for that bitch of a co-worker.
At every workplace, there's that one person you don't much care for. And despite having never met the person, we're going to have to hate them because our only association with this person is through your frustrated tales told after work that portray her as nothing short of a villain mastermind.
We've never met her, but we're going to be your greatest ally in your campaign against this person we know absolutely nothing about.
7. Picking up tampons.
This is something that gets less embarrassing the more you do it. But man, even standing in that aisle is mortifying for any first-timer.
As for my first time, I was fortunate enough (sarcasm) to grab the tampons after sorting through the thousands of options in tamponhood, then run into an acquaintance from high school, who, of course, was the cashier. What else was purchased? Self-tanner (which again, was hers) which only added to the embarrassment. I should've just purchased a lacy thong and an issue of Cosmopolitan as well and called it a day.
8. Being a professional bullshitter with the in-laws.
When meeting the in-laws, if you girlfriend tells you to “just be yourself!” understand that she's saying “be the best version of yourself you can be, at least until we leave.”
For me, this meant speaking from a G-rated script and wearing a full-length cardigan to hide my many tattoos. This also meant going no further than telling everybody that I was a “writer” without disclosing that I primarily cover sexual content.
Little did I know, my girlfriend's grandmother is quite the tech-savvy individual and Googled my name after hearing I was a writer. She, being very old-school Catholic, was not very impressed to discover what I wrote about after she performed her background check. This would eventually lead her to accuse me of sending every sexual spam email she's ever received. That was an interesting conversation, let me tell you.
9. Clothes donation.
Every girlfriend likes wearing her man's T-shirt to bed. The problem with that is, as soon as that shirt touches her body, it's officially hers and you won't be wearing that garment ever again. I'll admit I'm OK with this, because for some reason, seeing my girlfriend draped in my oversized clothes is a huge turn-on.
10. Performing tasks required of a plumber.
As the relationship progresses and you spend more time at each other's places, you eventually discover that women shed worse than pets. Nowhere is this more evident than the shower, where your drain no longer drains but collects mounds upon mounds of long, silky lady-hair. Cleaning it up is nasty, but we love you more than we hate cleaning the drain so it's all good.