The Nice Guy Dilemma: Why So Many Nice Guys Are Really Just Assh*les

by Lauren Martin

Here’s where we stand right now. Men don’t want to be nice because nice guys don’t get f*cked. Women don’t want to have sex because men pretend to be nice then leave us just the same.

We have two different groups of people, wanting two very different things and, in the end, all we’re left with are one too many tears, vibrators and complexes.

We’re pulled in two very different directions, with men just trying to screw anyone who passes and women trying to avoid being screwed by just anyone.

Men are looking for a quick f*ck. Women, for a long journey. Men want it right now, women want it when it’s right. Men want to be boys; girls want to be women.

Could there be two more opposing views? Could it be any harder for women and men to get anything out of each other? How are we ever supposed to find a compromise? How are we ever going to be happy?

I’m with you, ladies. I feel like I’m standing between two rubber bands, stretching and tightening with every passing second.

Do I sleep with him now and watch him leave in the morning or keep my pride and lose him to some girl who will sleep with him? Are two dates enough? Three? Four? When will it not entirely feel like he’s paying for the meal and expecting me for dessert? When will I not feel like he’s just going to screw me over?

Unfortunately, this feeling may never go away because while we’re trying to figure out this dilemma, men are creating another one.

You see, by being so wholly preoccupied with calling themselves nice, they are forgetting to be it. It’s this constant continuation of having to call themselves nice because they act like assh*les all day so they won’t get “friendzoned."

They think "friendzoning" happens because women only like assh*les, never realizing that the assh*les women have fallen for were men pretending to be nice who just turned out to be assh*les. Because every woman has been destroyed by that man she thought would do anything for her.

Every woman has fallen for the charmer, the sweet guy, the sensitive one who shed his nice-guy shell as quickly as his pants. And with that one betrayal, we quickly learned not to just sleep with the first guy who is nice to us.

We started “friendzoning” you and now we’re tired of feeling bad about it.

For centuries, we’ve been tricked, duped and used as men continue to defame us as prudes and whores, both acts punishable by the feeling of wanting to die.

But we’re tired of feeling bad for putting men in the friendzone simply because we didn’t want to sleep with them. Because if all a guy wants from us is “sex” and we won’t give it to him, then how is he a nice guy?

Men think that women carry around calculators, adding up the number of friendship points per nice act and calculating how many equal a night in bed.

They think that if they pretend to be nice enough, but never actually nice, they will be able to get a woman to sleep with them. And you know what?

They probably will. Because, hey, here’s a funny thought... women like men who are nice to them. God, we’re such greedy creatures. How dare we ask for some respect and appreciation? How dare we yearn for someone not to trick and cheat on us?

Of course, we know there are some real good guys out there.

This, like every travesty of the world, is not directed at all men. It’s directed at the ones who just can’t seem to understand why friendzoning shouldn’t be a chance to attack us, but to look at yourselves.

It's a plea for compromise, reconciliation. It's a simple request for you to start acting like nice guys instead of just pretending to be them, and then maybe you'd all start getting laid more.

Because this daily dilemma that keeps men and women at constant odds is starting to get the best of me. How much longer can it possibly go on like this?

How much longer are men going to treat us like sh*t and expect us to keep having sex with them? How much longer are men going to demand sex or nothing at all? How much longer are women going to keep putting out for the wrong men?

How much longer are we going to continue this undateable dilemma where men don’t want to be friendzoned, and women just don’t want to be f*cked and forgotten?