Why Asking Him To Lunch May Be Your Anti-Slut Ticket

When you break that cardinal rule and sleep with someone whose continued presence in your life is not a possibility but a given, there is only one painfully awkward thing to do to rectify the situation: have lunch.

As hard as it may be to accept, we left middle school behind many years ago. No longer can we avoid Jimmy after kissing him at the bus stop by simply ducking behind the nearest dumpster, potted plant, or well-meaning friend. We are adults now and, as such, all the therapists and self help books in the world tell us to face our problems head on before our relationship with our coworker, friend, future brother-in-law (hey, no judging) is further irreparably damaged.

The “I’m Not a Slut” Lunch is meant to salvage these relationships. It has been specially designed by our 1990 forerunners to introduce the concept of a classy and desirable woman that is strong and independent and did not just sleep with him because she was lonely, and he was convenient. Although I’ve found, at least in my experience, that is often the case.

The thing is, on paper and on television, the “I’m Not a Slut” Lunch works flawlessly. The two former lovers discuss their various feelings in a calm, if not slightly comedic, way. They quip over who was the better kisser, what lead to the incident in the first place, and, since it is television, after all, they leave the meal as even greater friends than they were before their lustful deed.

That’s all well and good for these fictional characters, and I am sure that it does, in fact, go this smoothly for a great many people. Those people, of course, are a lot more comfortable with their sexual prowess than I. In my experience, the “I’m Not a Slut” Lunch consists of me staring at my plate, dropping food on my lap, struggling to find some common interest in which to make small talk, and inevitably explaining that whatever I said that night about my secret desire to marry a Jewish guy was purely the alcohol speaking. Even though, it’s very likely that I was barley even tipsy at the time. Yes, I too am surprised that men never profess their love for me during these lunches.

Like all breakup and hookup DIY remedies, there are pluses and minuses to the “I’m Not a Slut” Lunch. I’ll list them below, just so you can keep them in mind next time you stare at your phone on the morning after.

Plus #1: Doubt Destroyer

When you see that man again, you will know within the first two minutes whether he is relationship material, a dud, or someone you can continue to inconsequently hookup with. No more hours of “what ifs” discussed with your best friend or, in my case, your journal. It’s all over and done with - next!

Minus #1: It’s Not Short

It only takes two minutes to recognize if your relationship can be salvaged and if you even want it to be. The problem with this brevity is that the average American lunch lasts about 45 minutes. As you can probably attempt basic algebra, this might leave you with up to 43 minutes of awkward small talk.

Plus #2: Mediocre Possibilities

Though you do have 45 minutes to spare, unlike the inferior and not-to-be-undertaken coffee date, lunch lends itself to several (admittedly boring) conversation topics. You can ask what is he going to order, how the travel was to get there, if he’s ever been there before, what salad dressing he prefers, why the food is taking so long, how you’re going to split the check (advice: do not let him pay for you).

These static conversation topics, coupled with the fact that lunch requires you to eat, or rather, cram food in your face, mean that you are only required to fill about fifteen minutes with actual conversation. However, fair warning, these fifteen minutes will feel like three hours.

Minus #2: You’re Trapped

Unlike a coffee date where any phone call can be a “Get Out of Jail Free” card, you are required to sit where you are until the check is delivered. If you happen to somehow realize your ex-lover is a psycho before your plate arrives, too bad! You’re going to sit there until the check comes and hope this meal isn’t your last.

Sure, though it may seem silly and incredibly awkward, the “I’m Not a Slut” Lunch is our generation’s way of saying we’re independent, sexual women living in a modern world. We ask men we’ve slept with to lunch in the hopes that they, too, realize this.

In the world we live in, women are too easily labeled sluts for pursing the same natural desires as men. Maybe no such lunch will be needed in the next generation. I have a dream…okay, that may be taking it a bit too far. Women nowadays want to get what they want.

They want to be in control, and (given the pressures they have to deal with on a daily basis), they want to make their relationships and sex lives as simple and uncomplicated as possible. The - for lack of a better name - “I’m Not a Slut” Lunch enables this simplicity. It leaves no doubt, only clearly defined feelings and results, all without missing a beat at the late afternoon business meeting.