After being consistently single for two years, I think I'm in a good position to give my fellow women the lowdown on what it's really like to be too good at being single AF.
Hold on because this is going to give you a whirlwind of confusing emotions, angst and random moments of self-enlightened bliss, followed by pints of beer.
(These emotions may not actually occur in said order.)
I should follow up these statements with the following: I'm a female with a face that does not necessarily make babies cry, and I have a pretty good IQ.
My ability to speak coherently is hit and miss, but I’ve been told it’s adorable. So I roll with it.
In my 27 years of living, I have had my fair share of disappointing, frustrating and emotionally draining relationships. They have led me to a point where I decided enough was enough.
I needed to be single for some time to figure out myself, my wants and my goals.
Turns out, I was a little too good at being single.
This brings us to the present. Two years later, I am disgustingly alone.
Here are five things I've learned over the time I have been single:
1. You're comfortable doing things on your own.
Most people would never think to go watch a movie on their own, but once you hit a certain level of comfort in flying solo, watching a movie on your own is the best.
No one is asking annoying questions or trying to steal your popcorn.
Of course, this level of comfort trickles into other parts of your life if you're spending weekends on your own, with only the company of your dog while you binge-watch "Jessica Jones" on Netflix and dedicate hours of your life to puppy videos on YouTube.
Being alone just becomes second nature.
That is, until you spot that couple in an intense making-out session in front of you at the movie theater, when all you wanted to do was watch the movie.
Now, it’s become a battle between not kicking them in the back of their heads or taking the high road and focusing on the buttery popcorn greasing up your fingertips.
Whether you're comfortable being on your own or not, PDA sucks.
2. You're independent to a fault.
You get used to depending on yourself when things go south, whether it's a flat tire in the morning, money disappearing faster than it's appearing or losing your job out of the blue.
You know you don’t have that guy to call to lift your spirits back up or fix the problem.
You really only have yourself to depend on, so that's what you do.
You fix the problem.
You call that towing company, you roll up your sleeves and you deal with that pickle jar.
You got this because you have no choice but to have it, and that builds up your level of independence.
As much as you enjoy knowing you are independent and can grab life by the balls in any situation, you do want that help from a significant other.
However, it’s hard to drop the reins, and it's even harder to let someone else take them.
It’s a vicious cycle.
3. Everyone just assumes you don't want a boyfriend.
I have had many moments where fellow women have pointed out how awesome it is that I am driven and focused on my goals in life, and not distracted by men.
But it would make me hear that little nagging voice that reminded me how much I want to get married and have kids in the future.
People don’t see that side.
Instead, they see the independent chick who is going after what she wants and doing it all without a man holding her hand and telling her how amazing she is.
It's this kind of stigma that seems to follow any woman who is on her own and going after the opportunities she wants in life.
I know from my own experience that I'm doing these things because they're in front of me right now.
What else am I going to do? Mope over an empty third bottle of Corona about how I'm single and alone?
I used to do that, until I realized I have other things in life I want and can strive for.
4. Relationships remain unknown, despite how much Googling you've done on the subject.
After being single for over two years, relationships slowly become this thing you know you're falling out of touch with.
What are rules?
What do you do with a boyfriend when you get one?
How many times do you have to walk, feed and bathe it?
As much as you’d like to think you know what's going on, you honestly don’t. A part of you is really frustrated with that, but the other part is really relieved.
Because you have been out of a relationship for so long, you slowly become somewhat cynical about it and break it down piece by piece.
You’ll focus on the stressful parts of it, or how it makes no sense that people who get treated badly in relationships stay in them.
Basically, you totally detach yourself from the emotional construct of relationships.
But it’s not that you’re being cruel or jaded. You do it to cover your ass and hide your frustration.
Even though relationships often make no sense, you kind of want one to.
5. You want a partner in crime. You don't want your other half.
When you're on your own for a while, the inevitable happens: You age.
With age comes some kind of vague enlightenment.
The whole “find your other half” mentality is fed to us from a young age.
It's the idea that you need to find another person to make yourself feel whole.
But the older you get, the less this makes sense.
The more time you spend on your own -- depending on yourself, fighting on your own and going through ups and downs on your own -- the more you learn you are already a whole person.
You don’t have half of yourself missing, and you don't want to be with a person who feels like half of his or herself is missing.
You want to date a fellow, whole person who will go on life’s journey with you and be your partner in all the great (or terrible) ideas you have.
When you've been single AF for a long time, you don’t want to waste your time on someone you know is not going to be the Watson to your Sherlock.
You want to invest that time.
Sometimes, that just means you're on your own for longer than you've planned.