How I Became Friends With My Ex-Boyfriend's 'Other Woman'
“How did you two meet?” No matter how many times we hear that question, Lizz and I look at each other and begin to crack up.
“We used to date the same guy at the same time,” I begin to explain. This statement is normally followed by looks of confusion, jaw drops and inquiring minds wanting to know more.
It's not often you'll find two women who dated the same guy sharing bottomless mimosas, laughs and cheering on the same sports teams.
How did this happen? Let me back up.
In the fall of 2013, I met a man from one of those dating sites. We had a very similar sense of humor, and his life read well on paper.
He took me on interesting dates, introduced me to his friends and had a great deal of respect for my accomplishments. I liked him well enough, but something was always missing for us.
We never really got deep or vulnerable with each other. I always thought he was trying too hard to be something he wasn't, and eventually, things got a little distant.
I decided to spend the new year in Hawaii with friends. Upon my return, I broke things off with him.
I did genuinely like him as a person, and suggested we stay friends. He agreed at first, but then began pursuing me again.
This time around, things were a bit more intense. We were talking about the future, and were spending even more time together.
That is, until he got offered a job in the Bay, when we lived in LA.
He started getting even more distant. He would still text every day, but he wouldn't make plans as he normally would. I assumed he was overwhelmed with the move, and I gave him his physical space.
A month or so later, I was attending a self-development conference, where I found myself having some great breakthroughs on the first day. I called one of my friends to share my experience.
She happened to be on the phone with Thomas.
I had introduced them the week before, since they both lived in the same area. Without asking, she put him on the line with us. I shared some stuff with them both.
“My friend Lizz is at that conference too,” he said with pride. I explained there were hundreds of people there. But they all wore name tags, so I'd try to look for her the next day.
The next day, the first person to get up and share the room was named Lizz. I called Thomas during my next break and asked, “Is your friend Lizz tall with curly hair?”
He said "yes," so I said I was going to introduce myself to her. “Why would you do that?” he asked.
“She's your friend. I know a bunch of your friends.”
I proceeded to go find her in the garden area of the building. “Hi, I'm Ravid. I'm Thomas' friend!”
"Who?" she asked.
“Haha, Thomas' friend,” I replied. Then, the woman sitting next to Lizz said, “Oh, the guy you've been seeing who you're not sure if you like?”
“When were you seeing him?” I asked. She gave me the dates, and we crossed timelines. I told her I was seeing him too, and we started comparing notes.
We'd talk about when he hung out with her or me, when he had sex with each of us, etc. “Looks like Lizz and I have a lot in common,” I texted him. My passive-aggressive remarks were not totally unfounded.
Lizz and I decided to go to dinner that night, and realized that we did, in fact, have a lot in common. He clearly had a type. She happened to be a younger, taller, Latin version of me. We both have curly hair and a similar sense of humor.
We have a tomboyish side to us, while still being able to stay feminine. But most importantly, we're both cool as f*ck.
We decided to drop him and be friends instead.
Two years later, we have a beautiful friendship. We've created incredible memories together, and have a funny story that will always bond us.
Often, as women, we automatically get mad at the "other woman." We blame her and get angry with her, when in actuality, the man is the one at fault.
Sometimes, the other woman turns out to be a lot like you. She unknowingly participates in a love triangle, and also gets hurt in the process.
I'm not saying the other woman will always turn out to be one of your really good friends in the end. However, sometimes, that other woman might become someone you can appreciate in your life.
So don't be quick to judge her or talk sh*t about her. Have a real conversation with her.
You may have more in common than just him.