We have all fallen victim to the f*ckboys who plague our nation. They roam the earth, luring in unsuspecting parties under false pretenses. Typically, they have no moral compasses, and they operate with strictly selfish intentions.
Their presence is so strong because we are unaware and mislead. This has led me to devise a guide to identify these creatures:
1. You met him on Tinder or Grindr.
Let's be real here, and call a spade a spade. If you meet a dude on one of these apps -- aka, “f*ckboy central” -- nine times out of 10, he is only there as a means of finding a someone who is DTF.
2. He has more than three bathroom mirror selfies.
Any guy who walks past a bathroom mirror, and has the overwhelming desire to take a picture of himself and post it on social media, is a f*ckboy. Just think about it: How many gym selfies does your dad have? Exactly.
3. He posts inspirational quotes about being a “gentleman”.
Typically, these boys -- and I emphasize the word "boys" -- haven't the faintest clue about the characteristics of a gentleman. Men who are actual gentlemen do not have to advertise that they consider themselves to be gentlemen. They just are.
4. He quotes himself on Facebook.
This is something I have legitimately seen. I have to ask these guys, "Who are you?" You're not special enough that anything you verbalize or write deserves the honor of being quoted. Calm down.
5. He takes pictures with bottles of alcohol, and posts them on social media.
This is typically seen in many f*ckboy Tinder profiles. A large, half-empty bottle of hard liquor is proudly displayed in front of bloodshot eyes and a sloppy grin.
We get it: You like to party. That doesn't mean I want to party with you. Those pictures are not attractive in any way. They only display that you possibly lack the mental capacity to understand the word "no."
6. All of his ex-girlfriends hate him.
Granted, relationships end for a myriad of reasons, and often, they don't end amicably. However, if this person has a terrible history with all of his exes, it's a red flag you should adhere to.
7. He is over the age of 26, but still lives at home with his parents.
Now, if a guy is in school, still working toward a master's degree or some form of doctorate, then it is completely understandable that he should live at home with his parents because finances are tight.
However, if he is living at home, comfortable as sh*t while his parents take care of him like a child, stay away.
8. There is a difference between making you a secret and keeping your relationship private.
Beyoncé and Jay Z don't obsess about each other on Instagram because they keep their relationship private. However, people are well aware that they are together.
My friend was dating a guy for months. But whenever she tagged him in an Instagram post, he would wait a few hours and then untag himself. This was his way of avoiding being linked to any one person. If someone creeped on him, he could still appear to be single.
9. He talks about “making a change” and “reinventing himself,” but never does anything about it.
These are usually the assh*les involved in pyramid schemes because they are too lazy to actually work. Goals are set, but never met.
Avoid these guys at all costs, or you'll suffer the fate of a cycle of “Netflix and chill,” and you'll always be footing the bill at Chipotle.
10. You only meet up with him after the sun has set.
This is because, to him, you are a piece of ass. I'm sorry to break the news to you, but it's true.
Answer me this: What typically happens when you go over his house? Do you usually smoke and chill for a bit? Have sex? Then what?
Do you go home? If you spend the evening together, do you part ways as soon as the sun rises because he “has stuff to do?"
Yeah. He's a f*ckboy.
11. You get that “What's good?” text at midnight.
This is a modern-day booty call: plain and simple.
12. You always have to travel to him.
F*ckboys are lazy as sh*t. The act of actually getting off their asses to see you is a trial in and of itself.
13. He never takes you out in public.
This is because he does not want to spend money on someone who is not his official partner. He also does not want to risk seeing someone he knows, who will catch him doing “couple things” with you.
14. He avoids spending time with your friends.
This is because he knows your friends have your best interests at heart. I am that friend. If I see a dick trying to play my friend, I will call him the f*ck out if given the chance. Friends don't let friends date f*ckboys.
15. He refers to women as “females,” and makes sexist comments.
When a f*ckboy does this, it shows he has an inherent lack of respect for women. This translates to a lack of respect for you.
16. He's following 5,467 people on Instagram, and 5,467 of them are half-naked women and porn stars.
He only knows 233 of them personally. This is because a common f*ckboy trait is the objectification of women. In their glazed over eyes, women are mere flesh vessels to stick their dicks in.
17. He doesn't really know you, and doesn't care to get to know you.
He knows the cover of the book, but not its content. Ask yourself this: Does he know any personal details about your past? Is he familiar with the members of your family?
Does he know when your birthday is? If so, what did he get you as a gift?
18. He constantly sends you dick pics, and asks for nudes in return.
Trust and believe that you are not the sole recipient of his pictures. Dozens of girls have pictures of his dick on their phones. These are probably the same pictures you have as well.
19. You only meet his friends.
Please do not mistake this as him being proud to be seen with you in public. This is his way of showing off to his friends.
It's a subtle, subconscious way of displaying yet another “trophy.” He's saying, “Look. I have another girl who wants me.”
20. He is a boomerang in human form.
You go months without hearing from him. But as soon as you're happy with someone new, this motherf*cker comes flying back into your life.
He's like, “Surprise, bitch. Thought you were happy? Yeah, no.” Every now and then, he will “miss you,” even though things ended only due to his f*ckboy behavior.
