It's Complicated: What It's Like To Love Someone You Also Hate

by Paul Hudson

Everybody wants to argue love is simple, basic, not complex. I honestly have no idea how anyone could possibly believe that.

Well, that’s a lie. I used to believe that myself… but life has taught me the opposite is true.

Love is complex. How could it not be when human beings are so incredibly complex? Sure, in theory, love is rather straightforward -- but we don’t live on a theoretical plane.

We live in reality, and in reality people manage to take the simplicity that is the idea of love and mangle it all up.

Love always starts out incredibly simple, but as time passes, we experience an array of emotions – an array of emotions that often reach outside the boundaries of pleasantry.

Of course, love goes far beyond our emotions, but it’s our emotions we experience most vividly. Because the other bits that make up what we call love are not available to our senses, love becomes greatly ethical and theoretical.

Take, for example, the seeming paradox of individuals both loving and hating their lover. How can you hate and love someone simultaneously?

Well, hate is primarily an emotion and love is much more than that. You can sometimes hate the person you love. And I’m not saying it’s always fun… but it can be if you understand all that’s actually going on.

There is a thin line between love and hate.

Not in theory. In theory, they are exact opposites. Yet, we will often find that the intense emotions we are experiencing are rather overwhelming, so if we don’t hate the person directly, we may very well hate the level of anxiety he or she is making us feel.

Love, romantic love, is a sort of obsession. It changes us and makes us do things entirely against our nature. It makes us a little crazy – which is incredibly exhilarating. It feels like life itself is guiding our hand.

Emotions, on the other hand, fluctuate, come and go. Not the love itself, but the emotions that shroud it.

Because most people confuse love as being purely an emotional state, when the emotions fade or mutate, they begin to consider that they lost the love they once felt.

If this doesn’t make you angry and full of hatred, then nothing in life ever will.

You're never sure if you want to hurt or hug your partner

Sometimes the people we love most manage to drive us completely crazy. No one is perfect, and everyone is different.

What we’re willing to put up with and what simply won’t fly varies from person to person. Something you may feel is entirely acceptable may be something your partner finds atrocious.

This is why we say we need to make compromises. Instead of focusing on how you can trick or force your partner into being complacent, maybe take a step back and see if all that hatred is worth what you may possibly be losing.

And if it bothers you that much, and your partner refuses to make compromises, then maybe he or she doesn’t love you enough after all.

Things can get incredibly rocky at times.

Every relationship has its issues. Some will argue that monogamy and the sort are unnatural. Bologna.

It’s most definitely unnatural for animals – and not even all animals -- but we’re more than just animals. Or, at the very least, we’re animals of another caliber.

We have a much more complex psyche – a psyche that allows us a reality that is an impossibility for other animals.

Our minds define our reality, and they are more than capable of creating a reality filled with love – both romantic and, as the Ancient Greeks called it, agape.

This doesn’t mean things won’t get complicated or complex – in fact, it only makes sense, as our minds are equally the same.

You may spend half your time thinking about leaving him or her, but the other half of your time planning your future together.

When things get rocky, which they almost always do, be honest with yourself and understand all you are feeling.

Better yet, put your emotions aside for a moment and try to define what this person means to you, to your life, to the person you are and the person you one day wish to be.

All of those things are a part of love… we just fail to understand that from the start.

The sex is usually pretty amazing.

Intense sex requires intense emotions – the intensity doesn’t fall out of thin air, although it may often seem that way. It comes from within us.

We feed off the other until the excitement of it all accumulates and reaches a breaking point; then we rip each other’s clothes off and revert back to the apes we once used to be, which makes for incredible sex.

Sex with any sort of emotion, whether it be love, hate, playfulness or sadness, all makes the chemical reaction we experience more intense.

In other words, a bit of over-the-top emotion can very well be exactly what your sex life is in need of.

Your relationship – and therefore your life – is a hell of a roller coaster ride.

Loving and hating the person you’re with is no walk in the park. But... why would you want it to be? When’s the last time you heard someone say, “Man… that incredibly peaceful and calm 50-year walk in the park was exactly what I needed?”

Life can’t always be calm and peaceful because we’d find it incredibly boring, unbearable even. Of course, there is a difference between the roller coasters that give you just the right amount of exhilaration and those that make you soil yourself.

Everything in the right amount is recommended. Too much lovey-doveyness, and the relationship won’t last. Too much excitement and emotion, and the relationship will implode.

Relationships aren’t easy, so don’t expect to ever just coast along. But take a second and think about it: Do you really want to be a part of a relationship that is the equivalent of a kiddy ride? Or do you, if only occasionally, want to go skydiving?

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