NWTS: 19 Differences Between 'Single You' And 'Boyfriend You'

by Dan Scotti

Look, I’m not saying having a girlfriend is going to strip you of your livelihood – or mark the beginning of your demise – but, let’s just say, it will change you.

Take it from me, there are a lot of pressures that accompany the constant presence of a female in your life, and that’s bound to result in some life changes, on your end. Allow me to explain.

Sometimes having a girl around will change you – the good way –  I mean, look at Kanye. He’s changed drastically and, all in all, for the better too. Ever since he married to Kim, it seems like Yeezus slowly transitioned into a God among media outlets.

For the purpose of this discussion, let’s refer to him as Exhibit A.

Keeping that in mind, consider Tom Cruise – jumping on Oprah's couch, with his f*cking shoes on – as Exhibit B, if you will.

Mr. Cruise, on the other hand, provides a case for some of the “not-so-good” changes that accompany relationships.

As I’m sure you can gather, the pressures of having a woman he loved around, constantly, ended up getting the best of him (or at least his manners).

Now, with all that being said, both of the developments I’ve highlighted above are extreme cases. Do I think you’ll become an overnight fashion icon like Kanye? Probably not. Do I think you’ll become a devotee of Scientology, overnight? Well, I’d hope not, as you should at least do some research first.

You will, however, change somehow -- that much is guaranteed.

The rest is up to you, my dear friends; see, progress is impossible without change. You might feel the urge to run from it, but, trust me, you can’t hide for too long.

The best method of dealing with the change that is imminent (given your new relationship), is to prepare yourself. Remember, adjustment is key, not avoidance – at the end of the day, "independent George" and "relationship George" are bound to collide.

Embrace the change, don’t fear it, but also don’t let it consume you.

If you’ve been actively looking for a girlfriend, but are now scared sh*tless of one, due to my absurdly dramatic introduction – DO. NOT. WORRY. Dan is here.

From my (generally unsuccessful) experience in both the independent world AND the relationship world, I know the changes you’re likely going to encounter, firsthand.

If you’re currently a bit apprehensive as to what they might be, I’ve outlined a few for you to peruse beforehand.

Without any further ado, here are the differences between single you and boyfriend you:

1. Single you loves “bro-ing” out with the “bros.”

Boyfriend you hasn’t seen another Y-chromosome in months.

2. Single you gets hammered, literally, WHERE'S THE BREW?

Boyfriend you is content getting socially lubed over a champagne flute full of Riesling, with brunch. 

3. Single you generally only worries about one birthday.

Boyfriend you literally had to buy an extra Blackberry, just to keep track of her and all of her friends’ birthday dinners.

4. Single you hates rom-coms

Boyfriend you doesn’t feel pressured to lie about shadily loving a good rom-com.

5. Single you follows any girl showing the right amount of cleavage in her social media avatar.

Boyfriend you follows bae around while she runs errands.

6. Single you barely goes food shopping.

Boyfriend you browses through scented candles at Bath and Body Works. 

7. Single you orders like two, fat, bacon egg and cheeses for breakfast – and sends ‘em back if they’re not oozing yolk, lavishly.

Boyfriend you hasn’t seen the likes of an egg-yellow in ages.

 8. Single you grills the sh*t out of couples who engage in PDA – yeah, I’m looking at you, motherf*ckers.

Boyfriend you has no problem looking like John Travolta at the Oscars whenever he wants to smooch baby girl in the public sphere.

 9. Single you barely speaks to his own mother on a day-to-day basis.

Boyfriend you, on the other hand, always seems to find time to speak to hers – especially after a Serial podcast, or two. 

10. Single you makes sure to watch porn daily, sometimes twice.

Boyfriend you makes sure to shower daily, sometimes even twice.

11. Single you creeps on Instagram, and publicly like any targets of interest.

Boyfriend you still creeps on Instagram, but certainly ain’t liking anything – at least not “publicly.”

12. Single you gets hyped about basketball season.

Boyfriend you gets hyped about seasonally-flavored lattes.

13. Single you sees a lifetime full of parties, and traveling, and other extravagant forms of debauchery.

Boyfriend you sees Lifetime movies on Friday evenings, with the most extravagant aspect of the night being how much candy you packed on top of your frozen yogurt.

14. Single you gives the Uber driver 1 star and an earful, to say the least, if he doesn't provide you an aux cord.

Boyfriend you doesn't seem to mind getting his ears filled with Taylor Swift, in fact, he even knows the words.

15. Single you loves being friendly and social.

Boyfriend you remembers what happened the last time he smiled at – or by any other means, acted pleasant to – a girl he didn't know.

16. Single you maintains a great balance of social, physical and emotional health.

Boyfriend you is a f*cking sociopath – but eats quinoa a few times a week – so the appearance of good health, across the board, is there.

17. Single you heads for the hills when he learns she’s on her period.

Boyfriend you heads for the closet where he keep the towels.

18. Single you thinks of “bootylicious” when he sees Beyoncé.

Boyfriend you thinks of “feminism.”

19. Single you sleeps on the couch of his boy’s apartment when he gets too drunk and tries groping a few women at the bar.

Boyfriend you sleeps on the couch of his girl’s apartment when he gets too drunk and tries groping a few women at the bar.