I'm a habitually single person. Apparently, that makes people think I'm a complete weirdo, and that something is wrong with me.
But you know what? There are a lot of us out there.
I'm not talking about the individuals who are single because they struggle to get dates or can't commit to relationships for whatever reason. I'm talking about the people who choose to be single because, at some point, they decided they don't want to commit to anything. They simply don't care.
Guys, you are my soul brothers and sisters. To give you an example of what I'm talking about, I rarely date. By rarely, I mean I go on a date probably once a year.
Some years, I date several guys. Other years, I don't date any.
If I average it out from the time I was old enough to date, I would say I probably average 1.5 dates a year. This isn't as uncommon as people think.
Here are a few misconceptions about us single people that I'd like to clear up:
1. We're not lonely.
For some reason, everyone thinks I must be lonely because I'm single. This makes no sense to me.
I suppose some people's happiness or fulfillment comes from companionship or even just socializing. But mine never has.
I personally think dating a bunch of random people or desperately trying to find “the one” sounds much lonelier than my experiences. This doesn't mean I couldn't get a date or have a relationship if I put myself out there: I simply don't care to put myself out there.
We singles are perfectly happy not dating around.
2. We're not asexual.
I've been asked this question before: “So, you don't date. Does that mean you're asexual?”
Let me just explain what this term means. Asexual is when you don't have sexual desires, feelings or associations.
I mean, yes: Asexual people probably understand this article. I can't imagine they're out there dating up a storm. But just because I don't date, that doesn't mean I'm asexual. The two are not mutually exclusive.
Maybe I'm just really picky. Maybe I'm a germaphobe. Whatever the reason, I personally don't feel the need to share myself sexually with a bunch of people.
If you do, then you do you. But personally, I'm pretty picky about this kind of stuff. Picky is not the same as asexual, OK?
3. Our lives are not unfulfilling just because we aren't sharing them with someone.
Um, excuse you? I'm sharing my life with plenty of people. In fact, I would like to cut that number down.
I have a fantastic family and the best group of friends around me. Just because I don't have a significant other, that doesn't mean my life isn't fulfilled. It doesn't mean I'm missing out on some sort of companionship.
Do I experience a different kind of companionship as compared to a romantic relationship? Well, yeah. Sure.
But this doesn't mean it's any less valid or fulfilling. This is especially true if I'm not bothered that I'm missing out on this type of companionship.
4. You need to stop projecting your sh*t on us.
I'm not bothered that I'm single, so why are you bothered for me? Why does my single life offend you so much?
My single status is a constant topic of conversation for people. People at my job have conversations about it when I'm not around.
I don't really care that you're talking about me behind my back, but why do you care so much about my life in the first place?
I can't attend any family get-together without people asking me why I'm not dating. Hell, I was running a 10 k last weekend, and an old man started talking to me at the starting line. He immediately asked me if my husband was running the race as well.
He looked completely taken aback when I explained I was single. It should have been obvious, since I was standing right next to him — alone — for 15 minutes. If I was running a race with my husband and he wanted to stand far away from me, we'd have bigger issues.
People are frustrated and confused by the fact that I enjoy being single. I'm not sure if it's because it's just not “normal,” or if they don't understand it because their happiness is tied to another person.
Are they just so fulfilled in their relationships that they think I must be living in a constant state of devastation? I can assure you all that I'm not.
5. My dating life is nonexistent because I choose for it to be that way.
Again, I am single by choice. If I wanted to go out and date around, I could do so very easily.
The age of technology has made it pretty easy for us to get dates these days. Now, I'm not saying they're all going to be of great quality, but you're going to get dates.
Don't feel sorry for me. Don't pity me or try to figure out who you can set me up with. That's literally the last thing I want (other than a relationship).
6. There can be a lot of different reasons why we're single. None of them should matter to you.
People often ask me why I'm single, or how it can be possible. Why is my personal life your business?
You don't know why I'm single. Maybe it's for some really personal reason, and I should not be put on the spot to explain it to you.
Look, I'm single for a handful of reasons. I'll lay them out very clearly: I literally do not have the time to dedicate to someone else. I work a lot. I have several large goals I'm working on accomplishing and several hobbies that take up a lot of my time.
I have a lot of things that take me out of town often. My friends get mad that they don't see me enough. Can you imagine what a boyfriend would feel like? Yeah, he would feel severely neglected.
I can't even get a pet fish because I don't have the time to take care of it. I also live in a city where there are very few single men at all, let alone single men I would even be slightly compatible with.
Another reason I don't date is because I simply don't care to. I never really have. Those who have known me since high school know that it's not abnormal behavior.
Now, these are a few of my reasons. But there are plenty of other reasons why people don't date, and some of them are pretty dark. Abusive past relationships and sexual assault can make people distrustful or simply uninterested in dating around.
If their reasons are dark, they probably don't want to explain themselves to you. So please stop asking them why they're single.
7. Stop trying to build us up.
This isn't a confidence problem. I often get told, “How are you still single? You're awesome, amazing and cool.”
Yes, I'm aware I'm all these things. But this is not the reason why I haven't been swept off my feet by Prince Charming.
I think people often assume being single is synonymous with having something wrong with you. So, they feel like they need to assure you that you're awesome because you just don't believe it yourself. They believe it's what's stopping you from putting yourself out there.
But the reason I'm single has nothing to do with my confidence levels. I'm not single because I don't think I'm good enough. I'm not single because I'm too shy to put myself out there. I'm not single because I think I'm too good for anyone.
I know how awesome I am, and no one will point out my flaws quicker than I will. If I like someone, I will tell him or her. Ask a few of the guys I've dated. They knew when I liked them because I literally told them, “Hey, I have a crush on you. Now, the ball's in your court.”
I have no problem calling the shots when I'm interested. It's true that I don't always know how that shot is going to turn out. I don't always know if the guy has any interest in me.
I don't always feel like I'm good enough for him, but I don't always feel like I'm out of his league. So please understand that I'm not single because of my confidence issues. I'm just single because it's my f*cking choice. Get it?