The Emotional Roller Coaster Of Inviting Too Many Crushes To Your Birthday Party

I recently turned 26. I'm also perpetually single. And because of my perpetually single status, I do this thing every year where I invite one guy I've had my eye on for a while to my birthday party.

Out of sheer doubt and a general distrust in men, I automatically underestimate his interest from the get-go. So I invite a backup in the event that my first choice doesn't show up.

But I don't stop there.

Oh no, I also invite a backup guy for the backup guy because I anticipate only one making an entrance. (You can't count on dudes these days.)

What happens when I invite three men I want to hook up with to come party and drink? Well, more than one guy will show up, of course.

I never learn from my mistakes, so I keep inviting, like, three guys I've had on my radar. I think I'm so sly.

One of them is a guy I once made out with, but want to do more with. Another is I guy I've flirted with forever, but have never actually hooked up with. And one is an ex I never really closed the door on because there was just too much ~magic~ there.

This is a problem. If I hook up with one and the other two see it happening, I totally kill my game. And not in a good way.

If you've never made the mistake of being single AF and inviting too many dudes you kind-of-sort-of-like to your birthday party before, let me fill you in on the 10 things that will most likely happen on your special night if you do:

Your go-to guy, backup guy and backup-to-the-backup guy will show up.

Fuck. You totally were not expecting this.

If 40 people RSVP'd "going" on Facebook, you hope they'll all show up. But odds are, only half of them will actually show up. According to that logic, you assumed only one guy of the three guys in question would make an appearance.

That was a safe assumption. But here they are... all three of them. Crap! Now what?

You want to hook up with just one, but you don't want to risk losing any (or all) of them. Maybe you shouldn't choose. Maybe you should let one of them choose you.

You try to ~do you~ to attract their attention (you know, to play it cool).

"Oh no, you don't have to buy me a drink! OK, fineeeee. Vodka tonic, please. Love ya!"

This happens about ten times throughout the night. And before you know it, you're exaggeratedly whipping your hair around, laughing too loudly, and bopping around your party like a damn pinball machine.

This is your moment, girl. One of these guys has to be dazzled by just how brightly you shine. Right??

They eventually start to talk amongst themselves in a corner.

Wait, when in the hell did these three dudes become friends? And what does a 30-year-old banker/divorcee have in common with a 20-something aspiring actor?

WTF.

You need to know their motives.

And then, you freak out.

"What are they talking about?"

"Are they duking it out over me?!"

"Maybe they're splitting up their time so that each one gets to spend time with me."

"But I just want one..."

"OMG, maybe they've all decided I'm not worth their time and moved on to someone else."

"DAMN IT."

Your girlfriends try to mediate the situation by keeping the guys away from each other.

Because they're your besties, and they've got your back.

So, you've got your one girlfriend trying to distract guy number one with the birthday cake. In another corner, your other girlfriend is telling guy number two there's a fire in the bathroom and the bar needs his help putting it out (because he's a ~masculine~ dude).

And your other girlfriend is... oh, wait. Your other girlfriend is talking just a little too close for comfort with guy number three...

But one friend gets too drunk and tries to hook up with one of your guys.

DAMN IT, LINDA! You were supposed to talk to guy number three, not eat his face off.

You shouldn't have let Linda take that last shot. You aren't going to excommunicate her from your friend group, but you're definitely going to give her the cold shoulder for, like, a week.

You can't help but watch them. It's such a bad show, it's actually good.

Your family yells at you for being such a hot mess.

Wait, why did you invite your cousins, especially the ones in long-term relationships? You were just trying to be diplomatic, but that totes backfired.

Ugh. They have no chill!!! Next time, you're having a family birthday celebration separate from the one you have with your friends.

You finally find time to have an in-depth convo with guy number one...

You guys are hitting it off splendidly. He's feeling good because he's had a couple of drinks. You're tipsy (well, you're about to hit the floor, actually) and you think you're finally going to get to take him home after years of fantasizing about him.

... only to find out that all three dudes exchanged phone numbers with each other.

Guy number one tells you he and the other dudes have already made plans to drink beer and play Xbox next weekend... without you.

Jeez, you were expecting these guys to fight over you, not become butt buddies.

Finally, a sigh of relief. Somehow, your drunk ass made this work.

I don't know how you (or I) did it, but you really pulled this thing off. You managed to Irish exit with guy number one, but still flirt enough with backup guy and backup-to-the-backup guy to keep them both as future options.

Not too shabby, single girl. Not too shabby at all.

Except, next time, maybe just invite one dude to your birthday party.

If it's meant to be, he'll show up. If it's not, you can always find some hot dude at the bar.

Or, you know, just celebrate your life with your friends.