I'm a man of simple and honest tastes. I enjoy Sour Patch Kids, the NBA, early DMX records and beef jerky so tough and spicy, it's like eating a seasoned catcher's mitt.
Generally speaking, I'm a pretty direct guy, both in what I say and how I say it. Sometimes, that's gotten me into trouble, and sometimes, it's made me look like a perfect asshole. But mostly, it's made me feel like I'm being me, at least.
Very few people, especially those I've dated in any capacity, can accuse me of keeping it any less than 100. Well, maybe no less than 85. (Somehow, I can't imagine that phrase catching on in the hip-hop community… "Yo, my boy Spinelli, that dude keeps it at least 75, son! He's telling the truth like damn near three quarters of the time, kid!")
As is the case with most delusional people, I expect to receive said honesty in return from those I date. If it's going well, I'd like to think I can tell.
But what seems to happen to me on dates is some version of the following: I go on what appears to be (to even the objective observer) a decent date that ends remarkably well, and then I never see the person again.
This one girl I went out with — let's call her Ursulla, not because she's mean or an octopus, but because I don't think I've ever met anyone in real life with that name — met me at a restaurant in downtown Manhattan. We sat at the corner of the bar, talked and drank for hours...
And never saw one another again.
Perhaps I came on too strong, or perhaps the girl had too much fun, and she's allergic to good times? One can never know, but I'm here to tell you, ladies and gents, what NOT to do on a date if you don't plan on seeing that person ever again.
Behold, 5 things girls do on dates that make guys (aka me) believe there will be a second one.
1. Continue to say yes to having another drink.
You're an adult. Say no, good lord.
Now, I can't speak for pushy douches, but I can speak for myself (possibly a different sort of douche, but that's immaterial). If I'm asking you if you want another drink, I won't act like an asshole if you say no. I'll act like a guy who just heard someone say no — you know, normal.
Drinks on a date, to a man at least, are time tickets. Each one you say yes to is more time you want to spend with us. At least, that's how I look at it.
If you're saying yes to another drink, I assume that, as an adult, you're in control of yourself and are simply enjoying the time you're having.
Here's a hint: If you're not really having that good of a time, just say no. This is simple, "don't get in that man's van even if he is offering really spicy beef jerky" shit.
2. Hold hands as you walk down the street.
You know whose hand I hold? Women I'm dating and elderly people in my family. Since I'm single and all my grandparents are deceased, I'm basically all out of hands to hold.
If we're walking down the street after a date, and you put your hand out for me to hold, I'm going to safely assume you're not my niece in need of a partner to cross the street.
3. Make out when you're done walking down the street holding hands.
I get it. Sometimes, you just want to make out. Sometimes, you just want to race. The point is, we all do things for fun sometimes.
However, when we're dealing with a first date, wherein each and every action and reaction is scrutinized for clues, I'd confidently say making out with a person gives off a strong "second date ahead" signal.
4. Create an elaborate plan for a second date with me, involving crossing state lines and a multi-stop bar hop.
If that sounds insanely specific, it's because… well, I'm fresh out of snark. This exact thing happened to me.
The plan after my long, laugh-filled, hand-held, make-out-on-the-street date with Ursulla was to see each other again that Saturday, two days later. I live in New Jersey, and she lives in New York, so the plan was for her to come to Hoboken for dinner. Then, we'd hop around to a few bars and take the PATH back to Manhattan to continue our bar crawl in the city.
Before she even got into a cab to part ways, we even went so far as to pick specific spots we'd hit, settled on a meeting time and made out once more.
Do I even need to make a joke here about how bananas this is? Let's just say that all the above signs are byproducts of being drunk and simply having fun and going with the flow.
When do you ever decide, after a night full of drinking, that now is the best time to stop and hash out an insanely well-defined plan?
5. Stay out with me for over five hours.
I don't know about you, but I have shit to do. Write things, watch the finale of "Masters of None" over and over, save money for any of my friends that are getting married and bleeding my bank account dry… you know, the important stuff.
Seriously though, don't we have better things we could be doing with our time? Don't you? I know I do, and I'm fairly certain you do as well.
Then again, I say what I mean. You don't always do that.
But now, at least you know what not to do when you don't want to see someone again.