When Your Boyfriend Wants Morning Sex And You Don't
If you're a creature of the night like I am, then sex in the morning tends to be more like sex at noon.
Anything earlier honestly might count as an act of necrophilia.
Still, opposites do attract. This must be why we sleepyheads so often find ourselves with early (ahem) risers.
Here's what's going through your head those times when you wake up reluctantly with an eager boner gently nestled against your butt.
1. It's morning. Oh, no.
2. Ugh, I feel like my teeth grew a skin in the night.
3. Why is he kissing me?
4. Ew, I'll just keep my lips sealed so he doesn't have to smell the animal that died in my mouth.
5. Blech, I think an animal died in his mouth, too.
6. OK, great, he's getting up to brush his teeth. Maybe I can fall back to sleep now.
8. No, no, haha, the pizza is tickling me!
9. Dang, bb woke me up when he got back into bed.
10. Just lie really still. Pretend you're a corpse. Maybe he'll go back to sleep, too.
11. Welp, apparently, he likes kissing a corpse's neck.
12. I'd open my eyes, but I'm afraid I'll evaporate in the sunlight.
13. Oh God, he wants to go down on me, but an animal died there, too.
14. Just reach down and find his head and lift it up gently. OK, those are his ears. I'll just give them a gentle tug.
15. OK, apparently, somebody gets snippy when you yank on their ears without warning.
16. Maybe he's not in the mood anymore.
17. Nope, he's doing that thing where he traces my collarbone. Sh*t.
18. I mean, I do like morning sex... in the actual MORNING. I peeked, and I'm pretty sure it's still dawn.
19. Haha, that tickles.
20. All right, maybe I am in the mood. I'll pull him over on top of him and give minimal effort.
21. Oof, too heavy, no.
22. What day is it, anyway?
23. I feel like there's something I'm supposed to do.
24. Dang it. He's running his tongue around the inside of my ear, and he knows that drives me crazy.
25. Nooo, the sheets are getting all stirred up and releasing our night farts!
26. Mm, just pat him on the back a few times to get him to calm down. Like burping a baby. There, there.
27. I swear there was something I was supposed to do today.
28. Wow, literally can't remember if I filed my taxes last year.
29. Oh, my alarm is going off.
30. WTF it's only Tuesday?! Gotta go to work!