How Waiting To Have Sex Will Give You The Strong Relationship You Always Wanted

by Paul Hudson

The age-old question is, how long do I need to wait before taking him/her home and getting down to business? Pop culture has settled on three dates. Don’t ask me why because I don’t believe there is an actual reason for it. It’s pretty much an arbitrary waiting period. The first date is too soon because it’s the first date. The second date may make you seem too eager or promiscuous.

By the third date, you run out of reasons not to sleep with them. Having sex for the sake of having sex is understandable, and if that’s the goal, then I don’t recommend waiting at all. If at all possible, skip dinner and get to what you both actually want. On the other hand, if you’re one of those people trying to create a lasting, meaningful relationship, then you may want to hold off for a couple of weeks.

Relationships are like buildings; they require strong foundations to weather the storms awaiting them. Foundations are forged during the initial months of the relationship and are only reinforced over time. Building your relationship on nights of liquored-up debauchery is most definitely fun; don’t get me wrong. However, it’s not sustainable or healthy.

Even if you're not one for the night life, sleeping with someone too early on in the relationship can do more damage than it’s worth. It’s important to pace yourself and focus on the more important things. Yes, you read right; there are more important aspects of a relationship than sex.

Sex doesn’t necessarily ruin things, but it does add another layer to the relationship and it does complicate things to an extent. Most importantly, sex is most often what makes or breaks a relationship. What is it that makes good sex, good sex? Most of the guys are probably thinking 36"25"34". Unfortunately, just because a person is incredibly attractive does not mean that he or she is good in the sack. Being good in bed does take some practice, but the true difference between decent sex and amazing sex is the chemistry between partners.

When I say chemistry, I mean the mental connection that two individuals share – a sort of connection that only, I’m afraid, can be developed over time. Yes, some people have a better natural chemistry with certain people from the start, but real chemistry is not something you find, but rather, something you develop over time.

Chemistry is, 1) Being very physically attracted to a person and 2) Understanding a person on a deep enough level that allows you to connect with his or her body on a deeper level. Sex is basically an extremely intimate dance -- take it from an ex-professional. You make moves, feel how she responds and then you respond to her response.

It’s a give and take – excuse the pun. The better you know the person, the better chemistry you can develop and the better sex you will have. Sex is a sort of exploration, which is great because that means sex can actually always get a little better, a little more earth-shattering. Just as there is no finite depth to love, there is no finite depth to the intimacy of sex. Some people are able to connect both sexually and mentally almost instantly. For most people, however, it takes time – really only because people don’t take down their barriers the moment you meet them.

We are always trying to protect ourselves, especially if we have been hurt in the past. Sex is only great if the other person can completely be him or herself with you. Only when someone is 100 percent comfortable with you and not worried about you making judgments will he or she give him or herself to you entirely. That’s what needs to happen if you want amazing sex. This requires you to first build a relationship before you get between the sheets. You need to connect as human beings before you can connect as animals.

The most important thing to keep in mind is that an awkward experience the first time having sex can ruin a relationship. People aren’t always rational and sometimes believe, if it wasn’t great the first time, then it won’t be great any time. That isn’t true. Sex can improve -- mainly by getting to know a person well enough to understand how he or she wants to have sex.

Sex is very important in a relationship and if your partner feels that you either aren’t present in the moment, aren’t enjoying yourself, or aren’t able to "naturally" have sex the way he or she wants to have sex, then he or she may not give it another chance. The first time you have sex is not something you’re likely to forget. Wait a few weeks, get comfortable and then really have some fun.

Photo via Favim