Dirty talk is... like... hilarious, right? We all think so?
There are truly a million different things you can say that turn every kind of human on. And if you find the right phrasing, sometimes, if you're really, really lucky, you might just strike orgasm gold.
For most of us, though (cough me cough), it's a confusing, embarrassing, meandering mess of tossing out certain sayings only to find your partner isn't into it, you aren't into it or you really need to take a few acting classes before you can commit too hard to a German accent.
The moral of the story is, in most cases of dirty talk, there are only one or two right things to a say and one million wrong ones.
And Twitter knows this. Oh, does Twitter know this.
Today, the informative and educational hashtag #WhenHavingSexDontSay started trending. And boy, did people have some things to say about saying the wrong thing during sexy time.
First and foremost, do not bring your family into this.
Seriously. The quickest way to kill any vibe — but ESPECIALLY a sex vibe — is to bring up your own flesh and blood, you weirdo.
As tempting as it might be, try not to quote your favorite movie or song lyric.
Sometimes, when we can't think of what to say, we reflexively might pull from a bank of memorized phrases or one-liners that have meaning to us in our personal lives.
Trust me, contrary to popular belief, the phrase "I'll have what she's having" only works in a deli/sandwich scenario and "my body's too bootylicious for ya, babe" is reserved exclusively for Beyoncé.
Now is not that time to talk about your other interests. FOCUS, DAMN IT.
Concentrate on the task at hand.
All of your other favorite things will still be there when the sex is over!
Leave politics out of it! Leave them OUT.
There are exactly two places on this planet where it is appropriate to talk about politics, and that is in The White House and in your stoner circle with your likeminded stoner friends.
But definitely NOT in the bedroom.
Oof. We'll have what someone else is having.