The bed is a magical, whimsical place. It's a haven for passionate moments and, inevitably, passionate words. It's also a place for sloppy drunk hookups and outrageous remarks. The latter is what we'll focus on in this piece.
For some reason, guys feel like they're invincible after they have sex with a woman – and, I don't know, nothing really matters. Especially not the sh*t that comes out of their mouths.
I mean, we've all said some pretty ludicrous sh*t while nestled in between the covers with a lady, but I mean there are a few repeat offenders that simply need to be stopped, STAT.
Things like "say my name," "let's do it again" and "your vagina has ghosts" have become so clichéd over the years, I don't even know where to begin. All right, maybe the "your vagina has ghosts" one is not exactly clichéd, at least not at the moment, but it has been said before.
Nah, I'm serious – you couldn't make that type of stuff up.
Anyways, here are the top five things people need to stop saying in bed, IMMEDIATELY.
"Was that good for you?"
This quote can get nipped in the bud right now. If you have to ask the question, “Was that good for you?” -- all signs point to that answer not being too good.
Remember back in Little League, during the days when you really gave a sh*t about winning and losing (without having to make a monetary wager) and performing well.
When you’d come home from a game and your mom had to wait an awkward five minutes, then ask, “Well, son, how’d the game go?” The answer was almost always, “Like sh*t, Mom, I struck out five times and cried in front of my team.”
Had the game went well – mom would know first, she wouldn’t even have to ask, because you’d barrel through the front door screaming and doing spastic dance moves from the jump.
Well, in bed – if it was good for her – she’ll most likely be screaming and moving spastically as well, so you won't need to ask, either.
"I never do this."
This one is kind of vague, but can only really allude to two things:
"You never do this," as in sleep with a girl on the first night, which means – in the most respectful way possible – that you simply lack that next-level caliber of game. Or "You never do this," as in you’ve never slept with a girl, which means you’re a virgin.
Either way, rule #17 out the player’s manual, “don’t show your hand” – especially when you got a deuce or a four spot on the table, unsuited. If you truly “never do this,” then I personally feel like it would behoove everyone if you just keep that smack of knowledge to yourself, feel me?
For the lady you’re with, I feel like hearing that probably feels like paying for sushi and learning after you ate it that the guy was watching a YouTube tutorial called, “So it’s your first time rolling sushi, huh?” behind the bar.
Lastly, if you’re just saying this for dramatic effect, or some theatrical sh*t like that, just get the beep out.
"No one can know about this."
Chill out. It’s not like you just witnessed the entire screenplay of "Reservoir Dogs," and are now scrambling around trying to cover up your tracks. You had consensual sex. Like, at this point, deal with it. People have Twitter nowadays, anyway, how do you not expect anyone to “know about this”?
There’s an old saying, “Don’t do the crime if you can’t pay the time.” Well, I’ve modified it a bit for Millennials today, and it goes something along the lines of, “Don’t have sex if you can’t deal with the girl geotagging her Instagram from last night with your apartment building." It's the same premise.
"This can never happen again."
I mean this can happen again, and one step further, it probably will happen again – sometime soon. That’s the nature of hookups, they repeat themselves like chapters out of the history textbook.
If this “can’t happen again” because you have a girlfriend – keep it to yourself.
If this “can’t happen again” because, I don’t know, it was terrible – just keep that to yourself, too. Whatever the reason, there’s zero rationale to vocalize how “it can never happen again.” Just don’t do it again. You know?
"Pose, it’s for Snapchat."
I’ve been told by female colleagues and friends that this type of sh*t exists. Why would this ever be OK? I mean, by now, I’ve certainly lost faith in humanity.
But when I see girls in my homies’ stories on Snapchat, half nude, after a night of sex and discount vodka – it makes me want to leave the world on a rocket ship immediately.
PSA: IF YOU’RE GOING TO SNEAK NUDE PHOTOS OF GIRLS YOU’VE SLEPT WITH, DON’T ADD THEM TO YOUR STORY. YOU’LL GET BUSTED IMMEDIATELY. JUST SEND THEM TO YOUR CLOSE FRIENDS.* Gosh.
*Just kidding, Snapchats and sexual encounters should never be mixed. I'M SERIOUS.
"That was the best I’ve ever had."
If the sex was legitimately the best you’ve ever had, and you’ve rated each sexual encounter you’ve ever had and cross compared them all – then, maybe, and I mean maybe, you could freely drop this line in bed. Otherwise, I don’t respect the overrating.
See, overraters ruin modern society. Let’s say you’re hungry and your boy tells you that this place in town has the best burger he’s ever had. Now, you heed his advice, and you scoot your ass on over to the suggested establishment.
After you’re through, you realize the burger was good – maybe two clicks of the volume increase button above halfway on your iPhone – as a visual aid.
See what I’m saying? You were probably let down, to an extent. This is why we, as a society, need to reserve our “best ever” titles for sh*t that legitimately is the best ever.
Not mediocre, sloppy, drunk hookups that you’ll regard as highly as "The Godfather: Part II" on the charts of movie sequels.
Photo Courtesy: We Heart It