The Torture Of Loving A Person Who Doesn't Love You Back

by Paul Hudson

The first woman I ever fell in love with didn’t feel the same way about me. This wasn’t some sort of crush either. I really did fall in love and she really didn’t care for me that much. Sure, we would see each other pretty regularly. She was happy to see me, but not exactly for the same reasons as I was. I was happy just hanging out with her.

She was happy when we were f*cking. Which, what can I say, worked for me – at first anyway. I basically chased after her for two years – two long emotional rollercoaster years. Thankfully, my patience paid off and she ended up falling for me. Sure, it took a lot of heartache, headache and boxes of condoms, but I got her to fall for me in the end. This taught me two things. One: There are people in this world worth chasing. And two: It is possible to make someone fall for you even if she refuses to do so for years.

Love is a very complicated thing because it requires two people – two individuals who are usually as different as they are similar. Love itself is not something that exists outside the people who feel that they are in love. If that were the case, then every time one person fell in love with another, the other would automatically fall in love as well.

I really wish it were that simple, but believe me when I tell you it isn’t. Many of you have probably been in a similar situation to the one I described above and can likewise vouch that being in love with someone does not guarantee that this person will love you back. However, like beauty exists in the eyes of the beholder, love exists in the mind of the lover. For this reason, it is possible to make someone fall in love with you.

I should probably first start by saying that sometimes you simply can’t and won’t make some people fall for you. Love isn’t purely rational and sometimes people fall for people that they will never have. This is the reality that we all live in. Just because you feel a certain way about a person does not guarantee that this person will or can feel the same way about you. In order to love people, they have to fill certain needs.

We have to be sexually attracted to them. We have to find their personality appealing. We have to somewhat understand the way they think and appreciate the way they think. There has to be a sort of physical chemistry as well that helps push those emotions from our minds into our bodies so that we literally feel that we are falling in love.

It gets even more complicated when you think about all the little things that we find that we don’t like about people – things that have become engrained in us, starting at a very young age. All of this leads to the reality of the situation. All these things about a person that bother us make it difficult for us to be happy and being happy is what love is all about.

It isn’t always the imperfections that people see in you that makes them not love you. It gets even more complicated because falling in love isn’t just about meeting the right person. It’s about meeting the right person at the right time – at a time when you are capable and willing to fall in love.

If the individual you love isn’t in the right state of mind to love you then that person won’t love you. If he or she is not willing to fall in love, if he or she isn’t willing to consider the possibility that he or she may love you, then he or she will never love you. It’s not about falling in love, it’s about letting yourself fall in love. It’s about opening yourself up and making yourself vulnerable – something that many people refuse to do.

However, things like this do change with time. In my case, it took two years. In other cases, it takes much less time. What it really depends on is how well you can fill that person's needs. If you can make him or her happy, satisfied, make him or her feel safe with you and trust you, then in time there is a good chance that he or she will fall for you.

The happier you make that person, the more likely it is that he or she will fall in love with you. Why? Because love and happiness are very closely related. Being in love is being happy. Being capable of making someone happy is the most appealing quality a person can possess. If you are in love with someone and believe that this person can one day love you, but simply aren’t in the right place in his or her life, then just make that person happy every time that you see him or her.

After a while, the correlation of happiness with that person's interaction with you will lead him or her to be happy every time that this person sees you – he or she will be happy with the anticipation of happiness. If you really love someone then I don’t recommend that you give up on that person.

But keep in mind one very important thing: If you love someone then your one and only job as a lover is to make that person happy. If you don’t believe you can make him or her happy then accept the fact that it will never work.

Photo via We Heart It

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