The Pull And Pray

by Anonymous

Today, we will be discussing the move every man needs to have in his arsenal: The Pull and Pray. For those of you who may be unfamiliar with this, whether you are a virgin or just plain stupid, it is when two people are having unprotected coitus and the man rides that horse until the final second, where he “pulls out” and ejaculates safely outside of the box.

Both partners then “pray” that he was quick enough and none of his little swimmers found the pot-o-gold on the other side of the rainbow. This move typically comes into play during drunken one-night stands when neither partner gives a damn about the risk of disease or even, the worst disease of all, children (blegh).

First of all, it is a male’s responsibility not to blow it inside his partner. Unless you are trying for a baby (what is wrong with you) or there is no risk of your partner getting pregnant -- ALWAYS PULL OUT. And I do not mean the woman says she uses birth control or she tells you, “It’s okay, I just finished my period.” I am talking about the off chance she may have been born without a uterus or you happen to be banging a dude (we don’t discriminate). If either of those options presents themselves to you, by all means ride it out. If not, pull out!

Now, we know this delicate skill can be a little tricky. Maybe you bagged a nine and are only a seven; you may get lost in her (or his) smoking hotness and forget to pull out until it is too late. Let it be known that this is YOUR fault. You have no one to blame but yourself for blowing plan A, and now your only job is finding a drug store open so you can implement Plan B. If anything, you should still be thanking her/him for allowing you to conquer the cave when you know damn well you’re not worthy to reach level 10. What’s the best way to thank your partner? Not getting them pregnant.

Do not underestimate the importance of the pull. You must plan ahead where you are going to be sending your underpants army for their final battle. If no towel is on hand, and the woman does not have a creepy fantasy about you ejaculating on top of the TV, her body usually becomes the target. Some women are down for this; sadly, some are not. This is why you plan ahead and display how much of a gentleman you are by asking where she would like you to come. If she says in a towel, do it in a towel. TV? TV. Inside her? RUN. Communication is always good in the bedroom, for it is the lack of such that leads to a scared sh*tless morning imagining baby rattles and mobiles. Do you want to worry about your life being over? Of course not, so always be clear with your partner about where to blow your load.

Now, since both parties are well aware that your geyser is about to erupt (or at least she should be, right? RIGHT!?), it is time for the actual pulling; there is no more time to ensure that she gets hers first. No time! NO TIME! This is also your fault, but a topic for a different day. You must make sure you are paying close attention to what your soldier of fortune is telling you, and right before you are about to lose it, thrust exxxxtra deep just once, and quickly too.

This will assure maximal pleasure before the explosion, and hopefully will pleasure her a little bit more so she forgives you later for forgetting about her needs. Thrust deep, pull out. Make sure there is enough clearance between the rifle and the holster, you want your bullets as far away as possible as not to cause any harm. Harm = pregnancy. Now let the sparks fly! (Cue gratuitous fireworks, waterfall scene, Ol’ Faithful eruption.)

Hopefully your lady allowed you to come on her. If she’s cool with raw-doggin’ it, she probably did. However, if she says, “On the stomach/ass” that means on the stomach/ass. Do not venture into the no-fly zone, i.e. cleavage and face. That is the best way never to be allowed into her airspace again. There are accidents of course; sometimes you just do not know how big or how far it is going to go. This mishap can be cleared up with a polite apology, an offer to grab a towel or tissue and a quiet snicker to yourself. Make sure she doesn’t hear the snicker.

If she does not allow you to come on her, don’t worry; there is always next time. If you’re dating the person, she/he may just need to be comfortable with you before she/he allows your man-love to venture all over her/his amazingly nekked body. If you are not dating the person, hey! You just got laid, my friend! Are you really going to fret over something like that? Of course you’re not! Are you going to lie to your buddies when they asked if you came on her? Of course you are!

Now for the second part of the method: the pray. So you think you did a good job not losing your cool whilst inside her mystical land of wonder? Think again. Your own body will sometimes fool you and send out a scouting party ahead of the main troops to make sure the coast is clear. These troublesome menaces, and your pathetic attempt at pulling out because it felt “oh so good” are the reason why you need to start praying for at least the next two weeks that nothing is growing inside that disgusting bag of blood called the uterus. And women, you need to start praying too. I doubt you want to tell your child that they were conceived off two bottles of wine with a mime named “…”. So everybody start praying. Here, we are even giving you a template so you have no excuse:

Dear (insert appropriate deity), Thank you for an awesome time last night. Props. Now please let me get out of something you may frown upon, scott free with no consequences. I promise I will never have premarital unprotected sex again. We learn from our mistakes, and I learned that drinking tequila and wine makes for bad decisions, especially when I have a box of condoms next to my bed that I forgot about. To be fair, she/he did just grab it and shove it in.

Anyways, please (insert deity here) destroy any seed that may have been spilled in her Garden of Eden/inside my luscious goodies. We both know I’m not ready to be a parent, and my folks already think they made a mistake by sending me to live in a foreign country even though I am only 18. Please do not make me stroke their egos by telling them they were right. Your friend (insert whatever name your parents gave you).

We hoped we have helped some of you on your endless quest for ultimate ecstasy without the negativity. Remember, sex is fun! And seriously, use a condom, you dumbass.

CR | Elite. Photo Source: The Paper Wall