The Foolproof Guide To A One-Night Stand

by Gayana Sarkisova

We all know that no good story starts with “So, I stayed in one night and…,” most memorable stories start out with tequila and end up with bad decisions and several doses of Plan B. Since I know all of my loyal readers are hot messes and usually end up doing the latter of my previous analogy, I figure it’s time I attempt to keep you out of harms way.

Here are the ten rules to a one-night stand:

Rule #1:

First and foremost, it is important to remember not to exchange any personal information with your one-night stand. If the sex was transcendent, this information can later be used to track you down and stalk you from a poorly maintained bush. However, if there is absolutely no other solution than to bring your beloved one-nighter to your house, make sure they are drunk enough to never be able to navigate their way back.

Rule #2:

Make sure your one night stand has had enough drinks in them to make poor decisions, but not drunk enough that you’re going to have to babysit. Holding a girl's hair back as she pukes her way through the cab ride home can shoot down your libido quicker than knowing what someone had for dinner without asking them.

Rule #3:

As previously mentioned, bringing a one-night stand home is not ideal, but happens quite often. So, to ensure that the person leaves as soon as humanly possible, you must have something in your home that is so ridiculous that they can’t wait to leave. Think along the lines of Doberman who can chew a limb off with a single command. Or to be less dramatic, perhaps some sort of questionable smell.

Rule #4:

Let’s get one thing clear, a one-night stand is a person you have never met before and never want to see again. This does not constitute going out with your friend and getting so hammered that you end up sleeping with each other. That leads to disaster and awkward dinners that consists of the “where do we stand now” conversations. Moral of the story: don’t f*ck your friends.

Rule #5:

A pack of condoms costs 10 bucks, a pack of Plan B costs 50. You make the decision. And no, pulling out is not a reliable method because you’ll be drunk and probably forget to do so. Not to lecture you or anything, but you are sleeping with a stranger, so safe sex is probably a good idea.

Rule #6:

Have you ever seen the movie "Coyote Ugly"? Well, the actually definition of coyote ugly is taking someone home to have a one-night stand and then you wake up in the morning to find them still asleep on your arm. Then you realize that the person is so ugly that you would rather chew off your own arm than risk waking them up. Long story short, make sure the person is semi-decent looking.

Rule #7:

I’m not sure how or why this would happen, but I’ll address it anyway. Don’t accidentally fall in love with your one-night stand. They may be charming and funny, but you must convince yourself that it’s the liquor talking. They may have just given you the most mind-blowing orgasm you’ve ever experienced in your life, but you must realize that it was a one-time deal. Just remember, if it was truly that good, you’ll always have it as part of your highlight reel.

Rule #8:

Don’t go to brunch. I realize that the morning after can be kind of awkward. You may not want to be rude, and you don’t exactly know what to say. Well here’s what you f*cking say: “Well that was great [insert name here if you remember it]. Thanks.”  Say this as you slowly open the door, walk them out and deadbolt it behind them.

Rule #9:

Let your freak flag fly. The best part about a one-night stand is that you can choose never to see that person again. Don’t let inhibition hold you back because, in retrospect, you can’t be judged by a person you’ll never see again.

Rule #10:

Don’t forget to have fun, that’s what a one-night stand is for. You can even get yourself a little bagel and some Starbucks on your walk of shame the next morning. It’ll make you feel better about life.

Closing thoughts: Women, this one is strictly for you. If you’re going out to party with the intentions of having a one-night stand, bring a pair of flats in your bag. You never know when you’re going to have to make a quick getaway.

Wait, one more thought: If the person did that really terrible jackrabbit sex thing and now you can’t move your neck, let me know. I have a good chiropractor.

Gayana Sark | Elite.

Twitter: @Gayana_Sark