The Walk Of Shame Is The Stride Of Pride

We’ve all been there before. Well, some more than others. Stealthily snaking a leg over ooh-what-was-his-name’s snoring body, collecting your bra, shoes, dignity, and cell phone.

Praying that he doesn’t wake, you make those painful steps to the door in a real life grown up version of Don’t-Wake-Daddy - except he’s not your daddy (despite what he might have asked you to call him last night) - he’s the guy you stuffed between your thighs all night hoping he might get lucky and find your clit.

But that’s not important. Because regardless if you made it out in blissful silence or you exchanged awkward pleasantries about the weather and the whereabouts of your panties, it’s the next part of your journey that really hits hard. Let me guess, that miniskirt and thigh-high combo looked a whole lot better on top of the bar at 2am than it does to the procession of grannies filtering into the neighborhood Church on Sunday at 2pm.

The feeling is familiar. Ahh the great outdoors: the orange sun, the gust of wind, and that knowing accusation in the eyes of each stranger you pass - real or imagined. The walk of shame.

You’ve probably come to realize that the walk of shame has really been gender skewed all along. Superficially, it’s more obvious when a girl is on a walk of shame. Guys dress relatively similar going out and staying in, so ladies you can always take my lead and dress like a walking disco day and night. You're the permanent morning after, so no one can ever tell.

But even beyond the superficiality, I wonder why more women take part in the walk of shame.  And in doing so I attempt to address directly the stratified concepts of male and female sexuality and their respective understanding of promiscuity.

This could quickly become messy. My intention is not to use this article as a means of polarizing the male gender. But I do think it sucks that women end up with such a bad rap while men get the high fives.

STD's are gender blind, so why can't we be in this regard as well? It takes (at least) two people to have sex. So why does only one party leave feeling burned?

I don’t want that emotional woman bullshit. We’re more than capable of the ‘ol fuck and chuck, hump and dump, heave and leave, ejaculate and evacuate, pull out and roll out (sorry, on a roll there...) Meaningless sex is an achievable feat for just about anyone.

Then what is it really? I could blame it on men - they are not completely guiltless in this situation. A girl who bangs is desirable until you remove your dick. Then she’s some soiled skank with no self respect and daddy issues or something of that nature.

Women are expected to keep the pussy in the pants. Men are wild, uncontrollable libidinal beings, and it becomes our jobs to stave them off for as long as possible in order to appear ladylike. Bro, I have needs, I get wet. I want to do it too. You want women to start fucking unemotionally? Stop making her think she’s a bad person if she doesn’t wait. The longer it takes, the more likely it is that feelings become involved. Don’t put the pussy on a pedestal. Let’s start fucking like equals.

That being said, blaming the male gaze is too easy - but it isn’t getting at the root of the problem. Men don’t do the walk of shame. They embrace the swagger. Shame is something you feel. Judgment, disapproval, name-calling: none of it matters unless you let it.

Women. We call one another sluts, whores, and bitches. We whisper, gossip, and perpetuate this act of shaming. I don’t want to be labeled a skank; I want a high five. I got mine, why should I feel bad? I want to leave that apartment with a shit eating grin. I want the birds to sing and I want the clouds to play me a sweet symphony as I amble bow-legged and proud.

Ladies, we invented the walk of shame - by acting ashamed. Cut the shit. The second we man-up, pardon the pun, and hit balls to the wall, we can make this walk of shame a glorious stride of pride.

KGazm | Elite.