It’s the classic “boy meets girl out, boy and girl get drunk, girl goes home with boy, girl wakes up and has to get back home” story.
Having a one-night stand happens to most people in their early twenties. As hormones return back to their normal levels and the tequila vacates the system, it’s time to pick up and head home.
However, there are some lingering problems: a dead cell phone, a maxed-out credit card and a passed-out prince charming. So, what is there to do? One must walk across town, alone, bee lining to your own apartment.
There are five distinct varieties of the walk of shame in which one can partake. Here they are:
1. Heels in hand
At this point, the walker is on a mission to get from point A to point B in the fastest, most efficient way possible. She keeps her head down and walks as quickly as she can.
Her makeup is smeared, one of her press-on eyelashes is gone and she can’t possibly deal with her six-inch pumps. Right now, it’s not a marathon; it’s a sprint.
“F*ck it. My head is pounding, I’m definitely still drunk, this dress is already too tight and I literally can’t even walk three quarters of a mile in these things.”
2. Borrowed clothes
In this moment, she just wants to shower off last night’s regret. She goes to his drawer, grabs a pair of basketball shorts, ties the string to accommodate her waist and finds a generic tee to top off her look.
Stuffing her clothes into her bag, she pulls out her backup flip-flops and is off. She is no longer trying to impress anyone; she just wants to get home.
“Nike dri-fit… that’s probably not too expensive, right? Hmm, maybe I should leave a note with my number so he can get them back. Whatever, they look comfortable. Now where are his shirts? I just need to get out of here. Like, now. OMG, Tiffany is sooo gonna kill me when I tell her about this.”
3. Chin up
This is, by far, my favorite walk of shame variety. The girl is not embarrassed by what she just did, but instead, is proud of the entire experience.
Unlike most people, she doesn’t consider a one-night stand to be a shameful act. Her walk of shame isn’t really a walk of shame at all; it’s more like a stride of pride.
She keeps her chin up, her hair makeup ratchet and last night’s outfit on. She isn't embarrassed by every subsequent step she takes to get back home. Instead, she relishes in her moment.
“Oh, who cares? Anyone who drives by or sees me will know, anyway. Sorry I’m not sorry that I got laid last night and you didn’t.”
4. Best friends stick together
Sometimes, the walk of shame isn’t exclusive to one person. This brings the best friend, the roommate and/or the wing-woman into play.
She doesn’t want to stand in the way of you and the six feet of handsome you just landed, but she also doesn’t want you going anywhere alone… so, the three of you pile into a cab and head off to his house.
While you head to the bedroom with this guy, she snoops around his living room, forages through his fridge and attempts to cozy up on the couch before passing out.
In the morning, she will quietly sneak into the bedroom to wake you up and you two will both be off. After all, best friends stick together.
“Psst... Jen… Jenny... Jen. Wake up, we need to go. Here, I found your bra; it was over by the door. Do you want an Advil? I think I still have some. Oh, by the way, you owe me big time. You are getting us Chipotle today.”
5. Costume party
If you are fortunate enough to get lucky after a costume party, you’re in for a particularly unfortunate walk of shame.
This walk of shame, however, is the most entertaining for all onlookers to watch in shock and awe.
Whether your favorite bar is having a Halloween party or you went to a friend’s ugly Christmas sweater gathering, you’ll need to put that getup back on.
Yes, your slutty cat outfit looked super hot last night, and, hey, it did its job, right? Mission complete: You found a sexy someone with whom to have a one-night stand. But now, you need to put that black leotard back on and head home.
“Oh no, this is cannot be happening. This is like totally embarrassing. Well, at least I went as an Army girl… hopefully no one will see me in this camo.”
Whichever walk of shame you embark on, don’t worry about it. You are far from alone.
Photo Courtesy : We Heart It