Do you smell that? Love is in the air. Put your gas masks on, kids. Since Valentine’s Day is a sore subject for some, I’ve taken the liberty of renaming it: from now on, it shall be known as “Single People Awareness Day” (SPAD for short).
To put your minds immediately at ease, I’m not here to scold you for being single. Rather, I am here to applaud the people who have enough balls to be single on Valentine’s Day.
Also, I’m here to emancipate you from the claws of this stupid Hallmark Holiday and to bring to everyone’s attention why being single on SPAD is actually in everyone’s best interest. For years we’ve been brainwashed into believing that it’s unacceptable to be single on February 14th. Well, not only is it okay, but it’s celebrated. Happy SPAD bitches.
Below are the reasons it’s better to be single on Valentine’s Day:
Being a free agent during the month of February simply means that you get your pick of the litter when it comes to whom you want to have sex with. The shitty thing about being a “we” is that couples are basically obliged to have sex on Valentine’s Day, even though we all know they don’t want to.
Not you my friend. The best part about SPAD is that you get to have sex without buying an overpriced dinner beforehand. The single folk go out, party with their friends and target the vulnerable chick in the corner of the bar who’s on her 5th Vodka Tonic.
Spending Time With People Who Actually Matter
Not that you need an excuse, but SPAD is the perfect one to go out with your friends and be alone, together. There’s something extra special about making fun of a PDA couple on SPAD with a bunch of your single friends.
Or, if you want to spend it by yourself, you can. Because having no obligations on SPAD means that you can park your ass on the couch, watch re-runs of whatever the hell you want to watch, and eat whatever the hell you want to eat while you do it.
If for nothing else, being single alleviates all the hype around having to do something spectacular for someone else. There’s no planning a month in advance. No ordering a bouquet full of half limp flowers. No limos, outfits or vagina waxes.
There is absolutely no pressure on you to do anything. Just go out and look at any couples behavior on SPAD. Would you want to be in their shoes? Didn’t think so.
Pretending to Like Your Bullshit Gifts
Being single on SPAD means that you don’t have to sit there are and smile through gritted teeth when you receive the following: stuffed animals that your dog will end up claiming as there own, edible underwear (what the fuck), chocolates that will make you fat and enough flowers to send you into anaphylactic shock.
A Penny Saved
Ah, the ultimate silver lining; avoiding impractical consumerism. Shit’s not cheap nowadays, and the last thing you should be doing is buying somebody useless crap that they’re going to throw out anyway. The best part about being alone on SPAD is that you get to spend your money on someone’s who’s actually worth it, you!
Closing Thoughts: If you are one of those girls that absolutely needs to have a man for Valentine’s Day, I’d like to introduce you to Bob: Boyfriend On Batteries.
P.S: If anyone is interested, I’m still taking applications for a Valentine’s Day Date. Just kidding... no I’m not.
Gayana Sarkisova | Elite.
Follow Gayana on Twitter: @Gayana_Sark