Not trying to brag here, guys, but I did take gymnastics for a year in kindergarten.
Don't believe me? ASK MY MOM FOR THE HOME MOVIES.
Haha! It's funny because you don't actually know my mom, so you can't do that. But anyway, the point was actually to brag about the fact that I'm a retired gymnast.
Unfortunately, somehow, the flexibility that I built up during my year of gymnastics back in 1998 didn't last me until the present day. (Weird, I know.)
I mean, I'm like really inflexible. During my senior year of high school, I had a trainer at the gym who told me that he would say I have the flexibility of an 85-year-old man, but that saying it would be an insult to 85-year-old men.
Yeah, I told you: super inflexible.
I can usually get by in life without having to put too much thought into my inability to touch my toes. But then, the Summer Olympics roll around, and we're all watching these rubber bands humans bouncing and flipping all over the place.
I'm not going to lie: I start to feel a little inferior. Not because I'm trying to be in the Olympics or anything, but because THESE PEOPLE MUST BE INSANE IN BED.
Like, how is what I call "sex" the same thing as what they probably call "sex?" There's literally no way.
So, to make myself (and you) feel better, I've come up with a list of five sex positions that might not turn you into an Olympic athlete, but will at least make you feel like one.
1. Modified Missionary With Your Ankles Wrapped Around His Neck
Start off in normal missionary position. Then, have your guy sit up on his knees while your feet are still resting on the bed.
Now, you have to raise your hips into a bridge position so he can stay inside you. (You're an Olympic gymnast, so you can handle it.)
But if it starts to feel tough, he can help you out by putting his hands under your hips. Now, you can slowly raise your legs one by one above his shoulders and wrap your ankles around his neck. From there, the good times roll!
2. Missionary With Both Legs Up (If #1 Is Too Hard)
Think of this like an easier version of missionary with your ankles wrapped around his neck.
This time, you don't have to do that last part. Instead, just shoot your legs up straight as they rest on his shoulders.
3. Standing Doggy With A Split
OK, let me be clear: I put this one in as a semi-joke. And by that, I mean the thought of me even attempting to do this without breaking multiple body parts is hilarious. But if you are blessed with more flexibility than I am, give it a go.
Have your partner stand behind you while you plant your hands firmly on the ground. Now, lift one of your legs in the air, maybe even resting your foot on his shoulder if his height works for that.
LOL. I know.
This one is pretty self-explanatory. Go into a bridge: Lie down on your back with your knees and elbows bent, with your hands by your ears. Then, slowly lift your body up until your arms are straight and your torso is in the air, parallel to the bed.
Now stretch your legs out wide enough to let your partner in. Access granted.
5. Girl On Top With A Split
Go on top of him like you normally would, but instead of resting your knees or feet on the mattress while you ride him, extend one leg forward and one back so you're almost in a lunge position.
Get in both a nice stretch and a nice boink!