Having Great Sex Isn't The Most Important Part Of Your Relationship

by Samantha Brodsky

This generation is weird.

I mean, we're driven: We know what we want. But at the same time, we don't.

In a relationship, dating but not serious, in love but single, just hooking up but could be more... it's complicated. But whether you're taken, on every dating app there is or somewhere in between, you have to admit one thing: having sex, even with someone you think you couldn't care less about, is something.

Take, for instance, a one-night stand.

Before you did the dirty, there had to have been some conversation between the two of you that sparked your interest. Even if it was a drunken slur consisting of the bands you listen to or the mutual friends you might know, you shared some sort of discourse that affirmed the lust you felt when you first saw each other.

There had to have been a deciding moment when you said to yourself, "Yes, I will sleep with this person." That decision was probably made because of a commonality, whether it was your love for "The Walking Dead" or your choice to get vodka soda instead of the house beer.

So, if that one-night stand with John or Rebecca from Tequila Tuesday wasn't entirely driven by sex (even if you never talk to that person again), then a relationship shouldn't be either.

Sex, no matter what people say, can never just be sex. And it certainly isn't the most important part of a relationship.

1. Sex doesn't fulfill all your needs.

I try not to use the word "should" too often: No one should do anything.

But here's the thing: If someone asked you what the best quality about your SO was, what would you say? If finding something other than “he's good in bed” is hard for you, then the relationship is fun, sure... but it's not fulfilling.

You should have a long list of qualities lined up about your SO.

Find someone who challenges you. Find someone you can go on long bike rides with, tour museums with, listen to trashy pop songs with and eat leftovers for breakfast with. THEN, you can have sex.

2. Sex doesn't guarantee you'll be happy.

Don't get me wrong: Sex is important.

How you have sex says a lot about your relationship: Are you communicating? Are you careful, rough or both? Are you enjoying yourselves?

Having intimate moments is important, and it establishes trust when you're vulnerable. That's why problems in the bedroom can transfer over to how you communicate with your SO day-to-day.

But sex doesn't solve your problems... at least, not the long-term ones. Partners who only seem to get along in the bedroom don't have what it takes to last because a few minutes of feeling good won't mean anything if the happiness doesn't continue afterward.

3. Being intimate with someone goes beyond the bedroom.

Are you truly listening to what the person has to say? Are you not only there for the person physically, but emotionally too?

What about the rainy day movie marathons? And the nights when you talk for hours about absolutely everything and nothing at all?

Like Miranda Hobbes said in "Sex and the City," "Relationships are not about playing games. They're about mature and honest communication."

4. Sex isn't everything, so it can't equate to love.

A relationship should be sexual – there I go again with the “shoulds" – but it's when there's more than physical attraction that a real connection occurs. And to be honest, if all you do is do it, then what's the point?

All you're really doing is settling because it's easy to fall into the trap of going for the uncomplicated. In fact, you might as well just stick to the one-night stands then.

Although sex can be complicated sometimes, it isn't the trickiest part of a relationship.

Emotions are the trickiest: learning to mesh your personalities together into a working system of push and pull, give and take, love and be loved. So, finding the right rhythm when it comes to sex is nothing in comparison.

Real happiness in a relationship doesn't come from an orgasm: That won't last long. Instead, it comes from a lot of things: how your SO looks at you, talks to you, listens to you and respects you. But most importantly, it comes from how he or she treats you when your clothes are on.