Let’s call a spade a spade: men are renowned for their stupidity. Men have rightfully earned this reputation after years of careful observation done by their female counterparts. Fortunately, they are not alone. What many people are scared to admit is that women dabble in their fair share of psychotic behavior as well. The difference is, thanks to estrogen and constant dieting, these behaviors are taken to a whole new level of insanity.
Do not take these behaviors lightly. These women have PMS and a GPS; they are crazy and they will find you. We’ve spooned around and complied several stories to serve as tell-tale red flags that you need to know when your woman is going off the deep end.
Men are known to think with their – you know – loins. So, women, what’s your excuse? The following depictions are not a dramatization; it’s a clear cut sign of crazy. Below, we’ve listed some of the craziest things girlfriends have done to their boyfriends.
10. When two become one
It may start slow, perhaps with “baby what’s your Facebook password?” At first, she may add a picture of herself or update your status, but make no mistake, eventually these tendencies will escalate. When they do, she will say, “What’s the point of having two accounts when we are always on each others’ anyway?”
Then comes the real kicker: the joint Facebook account. It will include a hyphen of your names – Brangelina – what you had for dinner and your “joyous” walks in the park together. If this happens, delete your computer history, destroy the aforementioned computer, grab your passport and make a run for Mexico.
9. The dark psycho rises
To women, movie marathons are a bonding experience – a solidification of your relationship, if you will. These movies strictly include tear jerkers and vagina tuggers. Anything with Ryan Gosling or something about the traveling sisterhood pants will do.
What becomes a problem is when she relates the movie to your relationship and, as every tedious minute elapses, she gets increasingly mad that she’s dating you and not the douche in the movie. Afterwards, she initiates World War III because you don’t treat her like her fictional paramours do. In this case, grab your passport and make a run for Guam – it’s further than Mexico.
8. Mama drama
You come home from a long day at work and all you want is a cold beer. Unfortunately, you walk into your apartment and there it is: your girlfriend is sitting with your mother discussing you and the future wedding plans that you didn’t know you had. To put the icing on the cake, your girlfriend proceeds to map out the next fifty years of your life. That is correct Sir: she will give you no say in the matter.
What’s even worse is they may be sitting there looking over your baby pictures when you overhear, “I hope our son looks exactly like him.” At this point, given that you live on the appropriate floor you, may contemplate opening the window and leaping. Our suggestion is that you make sure this escaped lunatic of a girlfriend didn’t poke holes in your condoms to expedite her future plans.
We would like to tell our readers a little story. Once upon a time there was a man and a woman in a committed relationship. One day, the woman comes to the man and says that she is going on vacation with her girlfriends. When the time comes, the man drives his girlfriend to the airport and leaves. The events that transcribed afterwards are again, not a dramatization.
The woman hops into a cab, goes to the nearest Enterprise, rents a car and proceeds to spy on her boyfriend for the week that he thought she was on vacation. Yes, she fabricated this entire scenario in the hopes of catching her boyfriend in a lie. Insurance does not cover the amount of therapy this woman needs.
6. Road trip from hell
We understand that women love fashion. We even understand the allure of a good sale. However, these theories only hold true to places of close proximity. Women, especially bargain loving women, will take pilgrimages for a good deal. When these women are channeling Columbus and setting out for a five hour drive for a sample sale, their poor sap of a boyfriend is usually, and unwillingly, forced into providing the ride.
Traveling out of your way for a shopping spree is one thing, but making your boyfriend drive you 300 miles to an outlet mall is another. Ladies, there is a fine line between taking your man to one store with you and taking him to a sample sale reminiscent of Sparta.
5. Vagina monologues
Everyone has heard that cliché "send your boyfriend to get you tampons" story. This is that same story but with a not so normal twist. We're referring to the woman that makes her boyfriend come with her to the Gynecologist. Now, it would be fine if he waited in the waiting room or, if she were scared, go into the room with her and stand by her head.
However, this is a story where the woman took her boyfriend with her into the room and made the Gynecologist show the sad boyfriend how to find her G-spot. This may have just rendered you speechless. But no worries, we were speechless as well.
4. Bed-time stories
For whatever reason, when women are in a relationship they want their boyfriend’s voice to be the first thing they hear in the morning and the last thing they hear before they go to bed. Weird, but hey, to each his own. Then there are the women who take this eerie habit and push it to the extreme.
Some women like to call their boyfriends before they go to bed and leave their phones on their nightstands without ever hanging up. You heard that right; she leaves the two phones connected so that she can hear him sleeping. For men with girlfriends like these, we sincerely hope you’re on an unlimited minute plan.
3. Tech geek
Today’s advanced technology gives way for easy snooping. Listening in on phone conversations, hacking email accounts, installing spyware – the list continues. However, a woman with enough savvy and a few screws loose can go one (or five) steps further.
If pushed far enough, she can install a mini camera into your webcam so she can monitor your every move – and we do mean every move. Don’t look so surprised when she tells you what you had for lunch, if you’ve never mentioned it; the computers have eyes.
2. Hey baby
Who doesn’t love a cute little furry puppy? If your girlfriend buys you a dog, there’s a very good possibility that you would consider her an amazing keeper. What’s not amazing is if she brings you a dog as a preparation tool to get you acclimated for fatherhood.
Women relate small animals to small children. Therefore, what you consider a nice gesture is really just a test for the future. In one extraordinary case, there was a woman that left her boyfriend alone with a puppy and said, “I’ll be back to check on it in a week, then we’ll see if your marriage material.”
It’s safe to assume that any boyfriend will meet and build some sort of relationships with 95% of his girlfriend's friends. What few men realize is that the 5% that you haven’t met will come back and bite you in the ass. Let’s elaborate. There are always the friends that you haven’t met, and you haven’t met them for a reason.
These friends aren’t your girlfriends’ best friends, so it’s okay that you haven’t met them. But they do have a close enough relationship that favors can be asked as needed. One of these specific favors may be your girlfriend asking them to approach you at a bar, restaurant, etc., and flirt with you – hard. This friend will never go home with you, but she will take notes and report back to your girlfriend in record time. So if you’re in a relationship, don’t ever believe that a woman is approaching you by chance – ever.
Gayana Sarkisova | Elite.