Newsflash: Women Can Be More Than A Slampiece Or Wifey

by Kristine Gutierrez

Like any New Yorker, I was going all out #HAM on Sunday for Morrissey night at Sway. We're all white-people-grooving, dancing like fools and taking shots. I'm with my friends, and I'm particularly interested in dancing with this tall, beautiful guy that’s part of our crew.

Of course, I start dancing with him (because it's the 21st century, and gasp, women can make first moves), but I'm not exactly grinding up on him; I'm more like doing a silly hipster slide because how else should we dance to Morrissey? But then he says, "I don't like getting wifed up at the club."

Oh, well, really? That's unfortunate because I was planning on doing your laundry and making you a sloppy, wet BLT soaked in my tears, as I reminisce about our honeymoon...on the dance floor.

Obviously, I abandoned the asshole and sailed off to another side of the club. But, I was there to dance, so I headed back to the dance floor with my head high and my middle fingers up. A male friend of mine then subsequently grabbed me to dance. Next thing you know, his dick is hard, and I’m like,

“Uh, I'm gonna grab a drink.”

What a spectacular night. I left feeling feisty and weird. Why could I not be with a dude without being his version of a wifey? Why can a friend and I not dance (I dance with friends all the time, so unless I'm giving you a lap dance, I likely consider it as nothing more than friendly) without me getting my boobs squeezed?

What this anecdote demonstrates is a common trend that has probably lasted for all of human history. For some reason, men (although not all men) see a woman as either a potential girlfriend, or just another vagina to hump. This is dumb.

Here's a newsflash: women do not exclusively exist in two flavors only. We do not occupy the polar opposites of a linear continuum, wherein a woman is either wife material looking to own and claim a man, or slut material eager to screw any object that has a pulse. I am, of course, not the first person to ever say this, but I think it needs to be reiterated once again, so that guys don't get the wrong impression. I would also like to make some legitimate guy friends (and not lose them when they realize I neither want to date, or sex them up).

Like every human being, women are capable of being different - any progress that humanity has made can be a product of individuals, or groups, breaking out of their roles. So, why the hell are guys so lacking in creativity and imagination when it comes to women? Why can you not see us in any role other than a girlfriend or a slam piece?!

Just because a woman is dancing with a man does not mean she wants to be his girlfriend, nor does it mean she wants to immediately have raging sex. It's a dance. Maybe she wants to bang, but maybe she's just intrigued by your dancing skills, or maybe she's having a seizure, in which case you should most definitely not try to bang her. Or, maybe she's just like me. She just wants to dance. She’s not trying to make any commitment. GAWD IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL, BOYZ.

The worst is when a woman strikes up a conversation with a man. I cannot count the many times I have just attempted to make a friend, but the dude's either thinking he's going to get laid there and then, or married in a year. Do you really believe that I'm talking to you about the Affordable Car act because my sexual interests are motivating me?

Ultimately, I am writing this because I have met too many cool dudes, and cool dudes can obviously make great friends. But they get their balls in a knot when they realize I don't want to be intimate in any way.

Friendship is not a novel idea. Women and men are completely capable of hanging out together without having to watch The Notebook or porn.