A Letter To My First Love

Each and every one of us has been, or will be, in love at some point or another in our lifetime. Being in love for the first time is an intense experience- one that you will never forget. You are introduced to feelings, emotions, and pains unlike anything that you have felt before.

You most likely believe that the feelings will last forever and that you will one day marry that person.

Maybe you are right; maybe you are one of the lucky few that ends up marrying their first love. But chances are that you won't. Most people fall in love too early- before they are ready. There is a lot of personal growth needed before one can enter and maintain a healthy relationship. The problem with the first love is that you go into it inexperienced, blind.

You don't know what to expect and become frightened when your relationship and the intensity of emotions begin to fluctuate. Most people get scared and pull out. Ending it with your first love is one of the most difficult and painful things one can experience.

Even harder is letting go once you cut the tie- but letting go is necessary. If you never let go, you'll never move on. The problem is that most of us cut the ties so abruptly that we never get a chance to say what we need to say to get the closure that we need to move on. But it's never too late. You can always write a letter.

Dear First Love,

There are so many things that I want to say to you that I don’t know where to begin. We had some great times together and we had some horrible times. I guess those horrible times have outshone the good or otherwise we would most likely still be together.

Like that time you made me wait up for you for hours while you were snorting your way from club to club. Or that time you stood me up when I made dinner reservations for us at your favorite restaurant. Now that I think of it- you were one hell of a bitch.

I never thought a person could be so anal (not that kind of anal- that goes into the good times category) about the littlest things. The way you like your tea, the way you like your laundry done, the way you like every item of clothing you own to be categorized and organized, even the way you want to be fucked.

Not everyone likes being the power bottom! I mean sure, I did; but a change every once in a while would have been nice. I’m still very disappointed we never got to finish going through the Kama Sutra; been dying to try the hanging monkey.

But I can’t say that we didn’t do our share of experimenting- and for that I have to thank you. Thanks to you I now know that fucking in public is safer than fucking at home; there’s no risk of waking up the roommate, or the neighbor.

Bar bathrooms, restaurant bathrooms, parks, movie theatres, taxis, public transportation, on bridges, under bridges, on rooftops, under staircases, telephone booths, and if my memory serves correct, I believe we even christened your boss’s office desk that one time. We really did discover a lot together. Who knew all the different ways our local produce store could be incorporated into our sex life; I will never look at a squash the same way again.

We really did have some fun. Maybe if I hadn’t been such a dick we could have worked things out. I actually really did like your tattoo- I should have never said that it was a tramp stamp. There was no need for me to start dumb arguments for no reason other than being in a bad mood. I shouldn’t have dumped you via text those first two times. But I was young and a nervous.

And yes, forgetting your birthday was pretty messed up. You always remembered mine and made sure to make it memorable. I should have tried harder. I should have known better. I should have been better. But I wasn’t. You didn’t deserve that- and you knew that. That’s why you eventually left.

It’s funny how I thought I dumped you, but you were really the one to let me go. I am glad you did. Although I am sure that you will always remain a part of me, you will remain in my past. All the things that you have taught me, even if unknowingly, is bound to stay with me for years to come- but like you, I have moved on.

I haven’t moved on to someone else (if anything it would be many, many someone elses) but I have moved on to a new phase of my life. Thanks to you I have learned that true happiness cannot rely on someone else, someone other than oneself.

Only I can make myself happy. That was where it really all went wrong. I was relying on you to make me happy and when you couldn’t, when the infatuation of first love started to fade and dwindle, I lashed out at you. For that I am sorry.

I am sorry for a lot of things. I am sorry for the way I treated you. I am sorry for the things I said and did to you. I am sorry for making you cry countless times and breaking your heart again once time allowed it to heal. And I forgive you. I forgive you for making my life a living hell.

I forgive you for hurting me in ways that I didn’t think possible. I forgive you for all the bad decisions you made and I thank you for the last decision you made: to walk away and excommunicate me. I didn’t have the strength to do it myself.

Chances are that we will never see each other again, and even if we do run into each other somewhere down this winding road, we will be complete strangers. But that’s how life works. You make connections and sometimes they fade leaving you wondering if you ever knew the person to begin with. So I am writing you this letter to tell you all of the things that I never got to say before we parted ways.

I love you. I hate you. You will always be a part of me. Goodbye.

Yours Truly,

@MrPaulHudson | Elite.