Only An Idiot Would Try To Date Right Now

I don’t know about you, but I do enjoy the fall — or autumn if you will. After a hot, sticky New York summer, a cool, breezy follow-up is exactly what I need. But then…then comes winter. I do not like winter. I know that many of you surely do, but I can’t say that I understand why.

It’s cold, uncomfortable, gloomy, and the women put on so many layers that even a Maxim model looks like a teddy bear. The best way to brave a chilling winter is by bringing aboard some extra body heat. Finding yourself a cuddle-buddy for the freezing winter nights is not only comforting — but it makes sense.

What does not make sense is why anyone in his or her right mind would even consider starting to date someone now — a time when spring is just around the corner and summer begins to tease our subconscious. For those of you that have remained single throughout the colder seasons: I understand that you are lonely and feel the need to find yourself someone special, but don’t do it — you will only come to regret your decision in the following months.

Maybe I am alone on this, but I highly doubt it; I have gone through the same cycle for years on years. I would find myself a sexy vixen sometime in October or November just when the winter chill starts settling in. We would have a really good time for the winter months: hang out, go to dinner, have breakfast, f*ck like rabbits and enjoy each other’s company.

But then, then I would get a whiff of a warmer climate slowly making its way into the atmosphere. I would try to resist it for a while, but the warmer and sunnier it got, the less able I was to keep my mind from wandering.

My very favorite activity to do in the months of April and May is people-watch. You find yourself a coffee shop or restaurant with outdoor seating and you sip on your coffee or munch on a snack while you watch people stroll on by. The beautiful thing about these months is that this is the time when the weather gets slightly warmer and the skirts become greatly shorter.

It’s amazing how 50 degrees in September causes everyone to start piling on the layers, but as soon as 50 degrees comes about in April everyone starts getting undressed. Don’t get me wrong — I’m by no means complaining whatsoever. I mean, shit — I don’t people watch to better my fashion sense, but to see some skin. Call me perverted if you’d like; I call it human.

I am sure that women do the same thing, although I can’t say I know what they look for. Can shorts be sexy? Either way, I have no doubt in my mind that each and every one of you get all nice and tingly on the inside when it comes time to peel off some of those layers and show off what you’re working with. Springtime is — well — mating season. Different animals have different ways of attracting mates.

Some birds will puff out their chests and make mating calls, other animals will simply chase after their desired mate until they get what they are after. Humans, similarly, like to flaunt what they have and hope to catch the opposite sex’s attention. Well ladies, I am sure I am not speaking only for myself but for the male sex in its entirety when I say: it most definitely works.

Now, why in the world would you want to not be single for mating season? Sure, if you are a sadomasochist, then I can understand you enjoying to torture yourself — but for the rest of you: stop being stupid. Whether you like it or not, dresses will become shorter and more revealing. Men will start to hit the gym to get ready for the summer and will be more than happy flaunting their biceps.

Assuming that you are a sexual human being, you will be turned on. Being turned on and not being able to do anything about it is fine if you don’t want to do anything because you are with someone that you believe you are either in love with, or may be in love with in the near future.

But being turned on and wanting to pounce, but not being able to because you are dating someone — who may very well be nice, but isn’t someone you plan to keep around for the long haul — is silly. In this case you are not only hurting yourself but your current lover.

So you think you can make it through spring without having to cut your lover loose — fine. You do realize, however, that summer follows, right? If you were turned on by a bit of extra leg, what will happen when girls start parading around in bikinis? What will happen when your neighbor goes out every morning for a run with his shirt off and all you can do to distract yourself is count how many ripples he has on his stomach?

Love is the only thing that can possibly keep you from slipping into someone new. But if you aren’t in love, then don’t bother finding yourself a partner now — now that the tides of change are just beyond the horizon. Instead of wasting your time and energy on someone else, use what little time you have to get back into shape so that you can feel just as sexy as others will perceive you to be.

The next few months ought to be filled with sun-loving debauchery. Go nuts, get naked and organize some orgies. You can settle down when your thermometer reads back under 50.

Paul Hudson | Elite. 

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