I, personally, have never faked an orgasm while in between the sheets. The way I see it, engaging in intercourse and not finishing lacks as much motivation as smoking “a certain substance” without inhaling (cough, Bill Clinton, ahem).
But, hey – just because I haven’t done something certainly doesn’t mean it’s never been done before. In fact, men faking orgasms, in some circles, seems to be all the rage.
So who comprises these rather theatrical circles? Who makes up this sect of people who seemingly “slap God in the face” and fraudulently maximize their opportunity to cherish one of life’s many beauties.
Apparently, after perusing a study done by GQ, those who are familiar with “system malfunctions” provide a more than ample demographic.
According to Jim Behrle, “perfect sex is pretty much a myth.” Yeah, no arguments here. He goes on to compare having sex to pitching in the big leagues. I like that analogy.
Granted, I’m the sexual equivalent of most Mets pitchers (which I guess, this season, could be deemed flattering) after one too many sips of Bombay Sapphire – but other nights, I’m on. And I mean Verlander, pre-Kate-Upton, caliber on.
Still, faking just seems like the easy way out, and I’m no quitter. I was raised better than that. If I passed chemistry, as a second semester senior in college majoring in PSYCHOLOGY (still not over this), you would have to pry my cold, dead body off the girl before I tapped-out void of a proper finish.
As it seems, more men than you might think have such a tendency not to "finish what they start." Thanks in part to the fine folks over at Women's Health, we've got some math to work with.
The rather cringeworthy statistics show a whopping 23 percent of men in Australia admit to faux-gasming (yep, I just invented that word). From a woman's perspective, a bogus orgasm could be seen as a service to the said female. Clint Carter, of Women's Health, had this to say:
When they fake orgasms (at least when men do), it’s likely because they don’t want you to think anything’s wrong — with you or them. There’s some courtesy in that motivation, but there’s also a lot of potential embarrassment.
Twenty-three percent, though? I'm not a stellar math student, but last time I checked, that's about one in every four. Eh, they're Australian. They breed good actors over there. I'm also anything but well-versed regarding the sex lives of a say, Mel Gibson, or Hugh Jackman – and for good reason – but, I bet they could pull off a dazzling fake-orgasm performance if casted for that role.
In New York, though, that statistic has to be smaller... right? Right?
Boom, 30 percent of males in New York are counterfeit-orgasm proprietors. Special thanks to Time Out for conducting this survey, further supporting the notion that many other New Yorkers perform in bed like the New York Mets do on the mound.
It's just hard to believe that this many men, either:
A.) Are being courteous to their significant others, and don't want to offend them after failing to get aroused.
B.) Simply have "had enough" sex.
C.) Physically can't finish.
All the same, the art of faking orgasms is alive and kickin' (if not doing anything else). This brings about the final portion of the discussion: how to solve this problem. I mean, like with all things, a level of communication is necessary for a relationship, of any sort, to be successful.
If you have a girlfriend, or just a friend with benefits, find yourself habitually forging through the "benefits," that's probably a warning sign that a conversation with your partner is long overdue.
If you find that your one-night stands are more like one-night only performances, then maybe you need to call a timeout and see "what's up" with yourself.
With that said, if you happen to sober up mid-intercourse and suddenly become not-so-proud of your initial decision – and choose to hit the self-destruct button – that's an entirely different subject. Next time you're at the bar, order one fewer drink before making a move. That, or fix the prescription on your beer goggles, mate.
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