You might think that behind closed doors you're safe enough to be the disgusting kink machine you truly are, but ladies and gentleman, I'm about to blow the whistle on your whole operation.
Next time you ask someone their zodiac sign, their answer will give you insight into their most depraved, sick, sexual fantasies.
Now when I say disgusting, sick, depraved... just remember there's no real judgment being passed here.
We're talking about sex, and the meaning of the word "sick" in the bedroom is v. different than the meaning it has in the real world.
Prepare to hide your interest like you're reading "50 Shades of Grey" on public transit.
These are the most disgusting lengths you're willing to go to in bed, based on your zodiac sign.
Aries: Sadist games of Horse-y.
Aries are power hungry in the bedroom, especially the women. You'll tie a guys' balls up with electrical wire and threaten to plug that shit in.
In the classic astrology book, "Sexual Astrology," by Joanna Martine Woolfolk, both male and female Aries' are said to enjoy climbing on their partners back in a kinky game of horsey, wearing spurs on their heels and using rope as a reign and bit.
Taurus: Shit play.
You might be known for being a lover of luxury, but it's often been noted that what we are repulsed by -- or what we find objectionable in life -- we are often attracted to in bed (hence, all the homophobes who are actually gay).
Taureans love the earthy, natural smells of their partner. They love the natural pheromones that the body gives off, and that's great.
However, taken to the extreme, some Taurus people are willing to LITERALLY get down and dirty in the sack, incorporating coprophilia (attraction to filth/dung) and golden showers into their bedroom routine.
I mean... hopefully they have the decency to save it for last. That is some MESSY foreplay.
Gemini: Gadgets and gizmos a'plenty.
Geminis are a sign of duality, and being an air sign, they're very mental, which means that sexually they are both the do-er and the onlooker at the same time.
They may not be the kinkiest of the signs, but Geminis enjoy incorporating toys and gadgets that allow them the freedom to both experience something while taking mental notes about the experience as it happens.
Geminis are also known for being excellent at multitasking, so operating machinery while getting off presents a special challenge that prevents boredom.
Cancer: Incestuous role-play.
Cancers generally aren't known for being the kinkiest of the zodiac signs (although every individuals zodiac chart is different, so there are exceptions to this rule), but when they are subject to sexual deviance, it can show up as a preference for incestuous role-playing.
Dressing up your Cancer partner in a diaper and pretending to be his or her mommy or daddy will get them off. They just won't ever admit it, or ask for it outright.
Leo: Making porn.
Leos want their partners to be submissive, so THEY get all the spotlight. They like to shine in the bedroom and be the star. They'll turn every sexual act into a production, complete with lights, sound, costumes and -- if their partner will allow it -- a camera.
If their partner isn't into it, Leos will cut them out; just watching themselves alone in the act is enough to get them off later on.
I had one Leo friend who would have her partners take photos of her in the bedroom. She printed them all out, put them in a scrapbook to give to him on their anniversary, but then decided to keep it for herself.
She is my hero to this day.
Virgo: Sexual punishment.
Being the sign of the Virgin, Virgos are not as frigid sexually as their reputation says they are. That said, their kinks are thematically tied to their prudish reputation.
For instance, if a Virgo feels they are enjoying sex "too much," they'll incorporate punishment into the routine, or they might punish themselves by watching their partner get off with someone else.
Virgos will also dedicate their attention to detail in life to their activities in the bedroom, studying what makes their partner happy and employing those techniques when they get the chance.
Libra: Four course foreplay.
It's rare that a Libra would enjoy roughness in the bedroom. Most of their sexual fantasies are very refined. You can dress up in black leather, but they'll enjoy the outfit more than the activities that are known to come with it.
Being the sign of partnership, most Libras enjoy foreplay that lasts for hours.
They don't even feel the need for intercourse as they're focused on giving, and they expect to get everything they give in return. So if you're not into oral, steer clear of Libra. It's kind of their "thing."
Scorpio: DANGER: High-voltage!
Count on getting more than you fucking bargained for.
This sign will have more intimate knowledge of your anatomy than your own doctor/gynecologist, and they'll teach you to get off in ways you'll wish you learned in high school.
Screwing a Scorpio feels like watching an avalanche come your way and bracing for impact. They enjoy inflicting pain on their partners, and indulging in the fantasy of dominance and submission.
But beware: Their latent tendency for violence can turn very real. Once a Scorpio is tuned-up, what started as role-play can become a reality.
Be sure you have a safe word. This is a sign that actually needs one.
Sagittarius: Excess partners.
I mean, is there really such a thing as having excess partners, if the goal is to live life to the fullest? Most Sagittarius people have this problem. They have most of their fun in the preliminary rounds of sex. I'm not talking about foreplay; I'm talking about the CHASE.
By the time a Sagittarius gets their partner into bed, they've already had most of their fun, which is why they love to introduce new partners into their sexual endeavors as much as possible.
The problem may be that they are possessive of their partner, but they want freedom for themselves, so some Sagittarius men/women enjoy being the object of two partners affections, and watching them fight for attention.
This brings the thrill of the chase into the bedroom WITH them.
Capricorn: Simulated sadism.
Forget what you've heard: Capricorns are complete freaks in the bedroom. First of all, they need little to no foreplay, since they can go from zero to "HOLY SHIT" in 10 seconds flat.
But once they are there, both the men and the women have better than average stamina.
Capricorns enjoy power, dominance and control.
They will dole out punishment to their partner by using paddles, gags and anal sex, since the pain it inflicts on their partner turns them on as well as the power positioning it requires.
Oh, and don't think that's a purely male Capricorn thing.
Capricorn women will definitely peg a dude; you don't gotta ask them twice -- or once, even. It'll be their idea.
Aquarius: Experimental eroticism.
Aquarians are inventors, forever curious.
They are both engaged and detached in sexual matters, both directing what happens and watching, as if somehow outside of the experience. They're like scientists in a lab.
Most Aquarians will experiment with food, or temperature in foreplay, but taken to a larger extreme, some will try experimenting with electricity, shocking their partner or asking to be shocked in a kind of lab room torture session.
They may also get off on journaling about their sexual experiments, taking notes like they're curing cancer with orgasms.
Pisces: Prostitution -- real or fake.
Pisces are givers. They need to be needed, and in the bedroom they find it difficult to say no to whatever a lover suggests.
In a way, all Pisces prostitute themselves in the bedroom, as their only goal is giving their partner what he/she wants, and by so doing, they get to indulge in their greatest fetish: being a martyr.
They also get their partner to depend entirely on them to fulfill their sexual fantasies.