Basic bitches everywhere, rejoice. Fall is here.
You've suffered through every other season to make it to fall, and even though you seamlessly integrate pumpkin spice into every part of your daily routine, you might struggle with fitting fall into one activity: sex.
Fear not. I've complied seven very sexy ways for you to knock the boots (Uggs, obviously), while embracing the best season of the year:
1. Three words, people: pumpkin spice blowjobs.
No, you don't order it at Starbucks. But, temperature play can be really hot, both literally and figuratively.
Try sipping a hot drink before performing oral on your partner. If you're feeling adventurous, keep a cold drink (apple cider, if you're really feeling the fall vibes) by the bed, and switch off between sipping some of your hot drink, going down on your partner, sipping some of your cold drink and going down on your partner again.
2. Sext a picture in nothing but your infinity scarf.
And maybe those new boots you got for 20 percent off, that knit beanie that looks so cute on you, the flannel you bought yesterday and the leggings that make your butt look incredible.
Oh, wait… you're totally clothed now. Well, take the picture anyway. Make it your profile picture on Facebook or something. But anyway, back to those leggings...
3. Embrace how good your butt looks in those black leggings.
You know, the black ones you bought 10 pairs of.
As much as we basic bitches catch a lot of flak for wearing only black leggings during this time of year, no one will argue that your butt has never looked better.
Pull on a pair, and kick it old school with a hot make-out and dry-humping session. There will be a lot of touching, and your butt will be prime real estate in those leggings.
4. Indulge in some pumpkin-scented lotions.
I saw you at the mall today eyeing up that buy-one-get-one-free sale on pumpkin-spice lotions.
You know what? Go ahead and treat yourself. You deserve it. Then, bring it home, and use it for a nice, relaxing massage with your partner.
5. Bring your sexy Halloween costumes into the bedroom.
Who can forget Cady Heron's monologue in the "Mean Girls" Halloween scene, during which she explains some girls' costume choices: “The hardcore girls just wear lingerie and some form of animal ears.”
Now, we all know that each and every year, you promise yourself you're not going to buy another costume. You browse through Pinterest's “DIY costume” boards and swear you'll just make your own this year.
Try some role-playing with your Halloween costume.
Next thing you know, your deep in a bottle of wine, surrounded by glue sticks, cotton balls, fabric, cardboard and glitter, and you're buying yet another Halloween costume online.
You might as well make use of those costumes more than once a year. Try some role-playing with your Halloween costume, or put on a sexy fashion show for your partner, and let them choose their favorite.
And you thought you'd never get to use that "Officer Naughty" costume again.
6. Put on your favorite football jersey and nothing else.
Ah, few things are sexier than football. And I don't think anyone will be complaining about unnecessary roughness (wink, wink).
If you and your partner root for rival teams, make a bet on the next game and ask for something you've been dying to try in the bedroom.
7. Give some unconventional toys a shot.
The first day it was cold enough to slip on your North Face jacket, you probably felt an urge to start baking pumpkin pie, baked apples, spiced ginger cookies — it doesn't matter.
Well, I've got news for you: There's another good use for that spatula. Start off with some foreplay in the kitchen, and use your spatula for a spanking. While you're at it, explore the kitchen to see what else can be used in the bedroom. Maybe steer clear of the chip clips though…