Whether you’re in a committed relationship, single and on the prowl or somewhere in between, there comes a time when you’re just simply not in the mood for sex.
Shocking, we know, but his germ-y subway fingers and pushy attitude are just not turning us on the same way going home and passing out with cookie dough does.
Or maybe you’re simply just tired. We’re only human after all.
Regardless, we’re not down to get down and we’re going to be vocal about it.
Sometimes, we just need a little extra push and other times, we mean it. Here’s how to tell the difference:
1. “I have my period.”
What it really means: I don’t want you to think I’m easy or disrespect me afterwards.
Why we use it: Unless we’re actually menstruating (in which case, we’d probably go home to stuff our faces with chocolate and cuddle next to a heating pad... not you), this sentence is a woman’s security blanket against regret-sex. When we can’t think of any better reason not to, we pull a classic grade school move and blame it on mother (nature).
Scenario: (Upon exiting the bathroom.) “Oops! I can’t. I forgot I just got my period. How about a nice handshake?”
Synonyms: “I’m experiencing women’s issues”; “Can I give you a blowjob instead?”
2. “I don’t feel well.”
What it really means: I am secretly farting mushroom clouds of day old kale smoothie.
Why we use it: It’s in everyone’s best interests to keep it vague.
Scenario: Post-dinner; post-Tequila (+ chips, + guac, + beans) Tuesdays on a girl’s night; after she just Instagrammed ice cream food porn.
Synonyms: “I’m going to hit the bowl repeatedly”; “My stomach hurts"; "I need to be alone right now.”
3. “My friend from out of town is sleeping over.”
What it really means: The thought of waking up to you is mildly terrifying.
Why we use it: We need a viable reason to keep you out of our beds. Make-believe friends make the best cock blocks.
Scenario: Random guy you just met and psycho killer status is still questionable; too drunk and will mostly spend the night puking and eating late night.
Synonyms: “I have a friend visiting”; “My roommate needs me.”
4. “I’m tired.”
What it really means: I don’t want to be on top and I don’t feel like giving oral.
Why we use it: To appropriately calibrate expectations.
Scenario: After mentally preparing for a night in front of the television; when we’re really pissed at you.
Synonyms: “I have work early tomorrow morning”; “My roommates will hear us.”
5. “I wish I knew you better.”
What it really means: I’m not into one-night stands.
Why we use it: To ward off any suspicious characters who we’re no longer interested in.
Scenario: OKCupid; Clubbing.
Synonyms: “You creep me out. Not in a Christian Bale way.”
6. “I bet you say that to every girl.”
What it really means: I want you, but I don’t want all of you. Tonight at least…
Why we use it: We’re feeling insecure and thinking about all the girls who came before us. Do more to keep us comfortable and perceived as special. It’s not hard.
Scenario: First date; bar pick-up situation; under 21.
Synonyms: “You seem like a player”; “I’m not ready to yet.”
7. “I’m not on birth control.”
What it really means: I don’t trust you one bit.
Why we use it: After listening to you brag about your exploits in Amsterdam, please do not think we aren’t using a condom.
Scenario: His place.
Synonyms: “Do you have a condom?”; “Are you fond of illegitimate children?”
8. “My room is a mess.”
What it really means: I need to shave, clean my room and run around for a few minutes to make it feel like I had a lot more to do than just have sex with you.
Why we use it: You caught us off-guard and we need to stall for as long as possible.
Scenario: When breaking the dry-spell; weekdays during winter; post-bender.
Synonyms: “I have a presentation tomorrow”; “I need to go feed my cat.”
9. “I don’t feel sexy.”
What it really means: I am so bloated and fat right now and casually freaking out.
Why we use it: To prevent you from seeing us this way and to preserve our much needed “me” time.
Scenario: After having a bad day at work and already preoccupying yourself in a love affair with wine; feeling on edge and ready to explode at any moment unless you watch “How to Lose A Guy in 10 Days” immediately.
Synonyms: “I’m not in the mood”; “No, thank you, I don’t want to take my clothes off at the moment.”
10. “I don’t want to have sex with you tonight.”
What it really means: I don't want to have sex with you tonight.
Why we use it: Your dirty socks and crappy white lighting is not doing anything for me. And neither is the copious amount of alcohol. Prognosis isn’t good.
Scenario: Holiday parties; friends-with-benefits; casual 20-something hookups.
Synonyms: “We aren’t having sex tonight.”